The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Dyscaffeination Edition!!


cats and fireworks

Every now and then — upon awakening from a good 36-hour nap, for example — one feels the need to be jolted out of one’s deep-vein thrombosis with something a little stronger than your garden-variety Advil smoothie. Today was one of those days.

You see, I’ve been recovering from the demands of last weekend’s packed social calendar, including several of those glamorous “theme” parties that are so popular lately. The first one (which took place in my very own kitchen!) had an “On Hold with the Pharmacy” motif and featured a lovely vodka-based punch made from an aromatic blend of ingredients, all of them vodka! After I threw my phone against the wall and the crowd thinned out to play with its toy mouse, I made my way to a gala “Mopping Rainwater from My Basement While Drinking Boxwine” bash. I’m a little mortified to admit it, but by the time I drove upstairs for Saturday night’s big “Try to Remember Which Door Goes to the Bedroom” benefit, I was a wee bit tipsy.

As the first glare of this morning’s afternoon sun hit the mayonnaise jar I had cleverly repurposed as a sleep mask, I quickly realized that I would need to either (a) make “coffee” by brewing kitty litter again or (b) risk the censure of an imperious world by going to the 7-11 for a Venti Unleaded Premium.

One of the really special features of my local 7-11 is its astonishing variety of coffees. In the course of my visit, I enjoyed quite a few of those little 16-ounce free sample cups, in flavors I couldn’t quite place but presume included the following:

  1. Turkish Prison
  2. Scorchaccino
  3. Quattro Stenchioni
  4. Cheesedog Wrapper
  5. Moist Towelette
  6. Double Vision
  7. Trashcan Fire
  8. Crust

As you can imagine, the ensuing amphetamine rush began to play havoc with my internal space-time continuum. The last thing I remember is the sound of cheese puffs beating their wings against their plastic containers as the maitre d’ attempted to deactivate me with a bucket of cold Slurpee.

cat doctor
Luckily, the 7-11 is within screaming distance of one of the lesser Liquor-All outlets, and I was soon able to restore my electrolytes to a healthy level in the 80 proof range. By the time I hydroplaned home, everything was back to normal, as you can see.

Funny Fish
Now here it is, morning, or whatever, all over again. Perhaps we can help things go a little more smoothly this time with a beverage that not only starts your day but finishes it too! This one almost always does the trick for me.

The Contraindicator


Little pink pills
Round ones with line down the middle
Yellow capsules from under the sofa
The one with all the warning labels
Might just be a tic-tac, but what the hell
Flax seeds


  1. Place ingredients in cup and add anything, really.
  2. Stir and enjoy!

Auf Wiedersehen, baby!! Bis später!!!!

Good Morning my dear friends...


 Tomorrow: The Today You Worried About Yesterday, With Good Reason









The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Hangover Edition!


Let’s suppose that you’ve ingested 30-something-something jello shots and fallen asleep on your living room floor for two months. Is it possible that during this time your brain could have congealed against the left side of your skull, grown fur, and superglued itself to the carpet?

I am here to tell you that such a thing is possible.

Here’s what else is possible:

  • You skyped all your old boyfriends with your head stuck in a potato chip bag.
  • You invented a new type of bangs called “broken roller-coaster.”
  • You found out how many cups are in a gallon of lighter fluid.
  • You vacuumed your sidewalk.

Now here it is, June suddenly, and all this daylight is playing havoc with my 4:30 p.m. bedtime. Since it’s 29 more days until I can renew my monthly supply of Euthenyz® sedatives, I’ll have to find some other way to obliterate all sensory input and find my way back to happy sleepy land. If you own a prescription pad and live within a 10-mile radius of my chainsaw, you’d better hope this works.

Hair-of-the-Neighbor’s-Screaming-Toddler Bye-Bye Juice


Massive headache
Internal bleeding
Backwards writing on forehead
Leftover jello shots
Raw egg
Lots of salt


  1. Lure toddler to fence with Mister Slurpee Truck ringtone.
  2. Shove jello shots into its gaping maw until it passes out in the delphiniums.
  3. Go inside and pour gin into glass.
  4. Add salt to taste.
  5. Open egg.
  6. Weird. That egg is definitely giving me the stink-eye. Why would it do a thing like that?
  7. Discard egg and open different egg.
  8. Okay, seriously? This one totally thinks it’s better than me.
  9. I know when I’m being judged.
  10. Yeah, like you’ve never been hungover. Stupid egg.
  11. Let’s see you lug an inebriated toddler in a dog crate to your ex’s basement. Huh? Huh??
  12. You know, eggs are really pretty disgusting. Who first decided to eat an egg, anyway? Had to be some kind of sociopath.
  13. Speaking of which, did I leave my name tag on that dog crate?
  14. Drink gin.

Did it work? Am I asleep? If so, could somebody please tell my idiot ex to stop all that yelling and pounding at the door? Some of us decent folk are trying to get some rest.


Tomorrow: August

This is day  57  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge.
I have earned −$39.15  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.