The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Resurrection Infection!!!

 

jesus cat

So today we find out if Jesus sees his shadow and goes back into his cave for six more weeks of winter. Personally, I’m all for it, especially after getting a little overzealous with my DIY rust-oleum facial peel last night. Nothing that a little outpatient baby skin transplant wouldn’t cure. Of course, now that the FBI crime scene investigation unit has sealed off my next-door neighbor’s day care, my source has dried up.

No matter. Jesus had something or other to say about lepers, probably along the lines of “Here, wearest thou this polar bear ski mask to the grocery store again and if anyone looks at you funny tell them that thou art beloved above all single middle-aged women by thine cats, and that’s plenty good enough for thou!”

Still, why ask for trouble? Even if it means having to dip into the emergency stash of Ol’ Grandad-flavored schnapps that made you so nauseous during last year’s Lady of Perpetual Failure celebration, at least staying quarantined for the holidays means you can finish up all those fun craft projects that have been blocking access to whatever’s making that burning smell in the basement.

Here’s one I think you’ll like. I call it:

Futile Attempt #973: Easter Diorama

To start, you’ll need some common, everyday household tools. Possibly some of these would work:

tool drawer
Here’s what I ended up using:

diorama tools
Now comes the tricky part, so pick your head up off the counter and pay attention.

Step 1: Carefully detach first peep (part #1A) from other peeps (part #1B, part #1C).

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Step 2: Tie first peep (part #1A) to chocolate cross (part #2). Note: Chocolate cross sold separately. 

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Don’t be afraid to use plenty of tape!

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Step 3: Arrange other peeps (part #1B, part #1C) around some sort of three-dimensional prop, like this bitchin’ race car (part #8A).

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Step 4: Lean everything against a cool background, like this Transformer Pop-Up Activity Place Mat (part #12R). Note: Transformer Pop-Up Activity Place Mat sold separately. I got mine at the dollar store, for 75¢!!

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Your diorama is finished!!!!!!!

peeps diorama 2
Don’t forget to celebrate!!

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Merry Peepster, everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Bye Bye Bunny!

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Well, Jesus has risen from the dead again, and I still can’t seem to get out of bed before noon. Of course, he didn’t stay up till all hours waiting for that cute cat-shaped kleenex box to go on Midnight Madness sale at mypointlesslife.com. If he had, he would definitely have popped a few extra ambien afterwards and taken the day off. Cause in today’s get-ahead world, self-sacrifice is a little more complicated than just turning your blood into wine. That I can do any night of the week, as those nice folks at the DMV lock-up can attest.

Speaking of half-priced Easter candy, I’m sure you’re looking for a clever way to use up all those leftover Khock-o-Lite flavored treats from the deformed bunny bin. Here’s a post-holiday snack that will make you the talk of tomorrow’s police report…. and all you need are a few common household items, nerves of steel, and the rest of your fingers!

Our Blessed Mother’s Little Helper

If you think it’s a piece of cake looking after a kid who hangs out with lepers, smashes everything in the marketplace, and expects to dwell in His Father’s house for all eternity rent free you’re wrong! Mary doesn’t have that all-suffering look on her face for nothing. If I were her, I’d put my feet up and teach the little hellion to stir me up one of these tasty Easter bunny cocktails. Might as well get some use out of those expensive carpentry tools he was so into for about five minutes and then never took out of the basement again.

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Ingredients:

Hollow chocolate bunny
Drill
Vodka (or other kinds of liquor, if you had any)
Small funnel
Straw

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 1. Carefully drill hole in bunny’s itty-bitty fake hollow head. (For step-by-step schematic, including demonstration of iffy fine motor skills, see video.)

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2. Insert funnel in hole and slowly pour vodka into bunny.

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3. Insert straw and enjoy.

Oh my god! That was so not hard! I’m feeling very hopeful about the Vodka ‘n Peeps casserole in my slow cooker, especially now that those scary sucking noises have stopped.

Bunny appetite!!

Tomorrow: Spring cleaning… by court order or just for fun!