The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Dyscaffeination Edition!!


cats and fireworks

Every now and then — upon awakening from a good 36-hour nap, for example — one feels the need to be jolted out of one’s deep-vein thrombosis with something a little stronger than your garden-variety Advil smoothie. Today was one of those days.

You see, I’ve been recovering from the demands of last weekend’s packed social calendar, including several of those glamorous “theme” parties that are so popular lately. The first one (which took place in my very own kitchen!) had an “On Hold with the Pharmacy” motif and featured a lovely vodka-based punch made from an aromatic blend of ingredients, all of them vodka! After I threw my phone against the wall and the crowd thinned out to play with its toy mouse, I made my way to a gala “Mopping Rainwater from My Basement While Drinking Boxwine” bash. I’m a little mortified to admit it, but by the time I drove upstairs for Saturday night’s big “Try to Remember Which Door Goes to the Bedroom” benefit, I was a wee bit tipsy.

As the first glare of this morning’s afternoon sun hit the mayonnaise jar I had cleverly repurposed as a sleep mask, I quickly realized that I would need to either (a) make “coffee” by brewing kitty litter again or (b) risk the censure of an imperious world by going to the 7-11 for a Venti Unleaded Premium.

One of the really special features of my local 7-11 is its astonishing variety of coffees. In the course of my visit, I enjoyed quite a few of those little 16-ounce free sample cups, in flavors I couldn’t quite place but presume included the following:

  1. Turkish Prison
  2. Scorchaccino
  3. Quattro Stenchioni
  4. Cheesedog Wrapper
  5. Moist Towelette
  6. Double Vision
  7. Trashcan Fire
  8. Crust

As you can imagine, the ensuing amphetamine rush began to play havoc with my internal space-time continuum. The last thing I remember is the sound of cheese puffs beating their wings against their plastic containers as the maitre d’ attempted to deactivate me with a bucket of cold Slurpee.

cat doctor
Luckily, the 7-11 is within screaming distance of one of the lesser Liquor-All outlets, and I was soon able to restore my electrolytes to a healthy level in the 80 proof range. By the time I hydroplaned home, everything was back to normal, as you can see.

Funny Fish
Now here it is, morning, or whatever, all over again. Perhaps we can help things go a little more smoothly this time with a beverage that not only starts your day but finishes it too! This one almost always does the trick for me.

The Contraindicator


Little pink pills
Round ones with line down the middle
Yellow capsules from under the sofa
The one with all the warning labels
Might just be a tic-tac, but what the hell
Flax seeds


  1. Place ingredients in cup and add anything, really.
  2. Stir and enjoy!

Auf Wiedersehen, baby!! Bis später!!!!

Good Morning my dear friends...


 Tomorrow: The Today You Worried About Yesterday, With Good Reason









The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Annual Self-Pity Edition!!


If a single middle-aged woman doesn’t leave her house to take out her trash for three months, does it make a sound?

I’m sure those nosy nellies at the EPA could answer that, if they weren’t so busy fiddling with their respirators.

My point is, winter in a small northern town can be endlessly seamy…er, seemingly endless. The parched Christmas tree slumps dishearteningly over the woodstove. The cats refuse their gumdrops, demanding fresh meat. The floor lamp stops speaking to me. And to top it off, just this morning, as I started out on a quick, undoubtedly fatal trip to Liquor-All, my car screamed and sputtered and broke into pieces in the driveway like a drunken toddler. Sadly, Liquor-All would have to wait.

One could get all whiney about a situation like this, but really, what good would it do, now that 911 has blocked my calls? Just as our ancestors survived with nothing to eat except something questionable in Saran Wrap, so can I. Of course, the question remains: I need wine.

Which brings me to my next point. Those of you who, out of morbid curiosity or acute boredom, have been following my posts no doubt recall that my original goal was to offer simple recipes for one that one could cook for oneself if one were completely alone and without hope — and aren’t we all? Naturally, over the course of time, the witless dinosaurs evolved into my exes, and this blog evolved into a desperate plea for help…. I mean, a collection of cocktails that could be made with little money and even less effort by absolutely anyone with low standards.

Today, I would like to turn back the clock to those heady days of preparing food items and eating them alone on the kitchen floor, a time of innocence when the refrigerator was used for something other than hiding evidence. But don’t worry! We’ll start off with an easy one. I like to call this:

Basic Nourishment for Single Middle-Aged Woman with Alcohol Dependency 


1/3 carton freezer-crystal flavored ice cream
6 or 7 blue-cheese stuffed olives, cheese dislodged and floating in olive juice
2 fingers peanut butter
A couple spoons of dry muesli
Powdered macaroni cheese stirred into yogurt, cause maybe it’ll be like dip?
Top layer of wedding cake from 1986


1. Consume ingredients in any order while staring at smudge on wall where dead mosquito used to be.
2. Drink wine.
3. Weep.

Wow, that was fun! And guess what? We get to do it again tomorrow!! And the day after that! And the day after that. And, actually, every day until we fall into a senseless heap and silently rot while the cats eat our faces off.

Hasta fuego!

Tomorrow: Second Annual Self-Pity Edition!!

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Backwards Day!!


.yeksihw deen I

And why do I deen yeksihw, you may ask? Because it’s Backwards Day–that special day I spend undoing all the mistakes I made yesterday! Here’s my list so far:

  1. Take down my profile on
  2. Apologize to the neighbors for the mercury spill.
  3. Return the backhoe.
  4. Grow back my left pinky.

Days that don’t go your way can make you wonder why you even bother getting up off the floor each morning. But they can also be very instructive. For example, I learned that the annoying “engine emergency” light that I duct-taped over meant that my car needed oil! That should be easy enough to fix, right? But since it still wouldn’t run even after all that hydrofracking in my ex’s front yard, I had to spend half my morning calling both people on my phone contact list to see if one of them would haul it away for me. After the prescription hotline said no, I was stumped.

But not out!

By staring at one spot on the wall very hard for the next few hours, I managed to remember the name of the car store. I could take it to their exchange department for store credit!

Lucky for me, the car store is on the way to the liquor store, so I could follow my burnt rubber tracks. Having finally persuaded the nice blind lady next door to give me a lift, I made it to Liquor-All and bought myself a big bottle of whiskey to help me forget about my stupid broken car. So you see? If you believe in yourself and follow your bliss, the universe will provide your roommate’s spare change!

Let’s celebrate with a honking big cocktail before we get tired and brake into the Preloved Mattress store again for a good night’s sleep. This one should make you lose your car keys!

The DUI-menator


Car repair waiting room
Day-old coffee
Scary donuts
Tundra Today magazine
Unclaimed toddler
Flask of whiskey
All the time in the fucking world


  1. Go to sleep.
  2. Wake up on another planet. Neptune, maybe.

Now that’s what I call a productive day!

!pu smottoB

Tomorrow: Opposite Backwards Day!! 

This is day  110  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge.
I have earned −$91.15  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Spring Fashions!


Remember clothes? From before they invented the Snuggie?

Me neither. All I know is that nowadays, to keep up with “people” and “laws” and such, I have to forage for napkins and rain gear and whatnot to shield my chunky parts from the elements — not to mention from the prying eyes of those hoity-toity folks in the grocery store, who clearly have no imagination when it comes to off-label uses for coffee filters.

If you, too, need to leave the house from time to time, you’re probably asking yourself the same questions I am: “Are sock puppets appropriate footwear for sentencing hearings?” “Have I put enough scotch tape on this hospital gown this time?” “Is it winter?”

You’re not alone! Here are a few ideas for clothes-like cover-ups fashioned from everyday items. Not only will these easy-to-wear outfits help you stretch your clothing dollars to cover that trip down the liquor aisle, they’ll also make you stand out from the riff-raff — very handy when you find yourself on the wrong side of a foreign tribunal by accident!


Why not just wear your home, like those rabid jumbo snails they found in Texas! Roomy enough for one, and keeps those nasty fluids out… or in!

Springbar Cabana

Springbar Cabana (Photo credit: Earthworm)

Perfect for the liquor store, or anywhere you need to stay focused. Comes in handy as a funnel too!

The Cone of Shame

(Photo credit: MoHotta18)

Summer’s coming! A few of these make for a festive casual outfit and provide important protection from sharp corners.

English: teddy bear in swim ring Deutsch: Tedd...

Teddybär im Schwimring (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The classics never go out of style!



What you need to go along with your new wardrobe is a drink that won’t weigh you down. Stir up a few of these, and you’ll be fitting into your living room curtains in no time!


Diet Gin & Tonic



  1. Pour gin in glass.
  2. Throw out tonic.
  3. Drink gin.


Diet Rum & Coke



  1. Pour rum in glass.
  2. Throw out coke.
  3. Drink rum.


Diet Whiskey



  1. Pour whiskey in glass.
  2. Drink whiskey.


Well, I could go on and on! But I’ve got trash bags to hem.

Ciao for now, bellas!

Tomorrow: I wouldn’t get your hopes up. 

This is day  17  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $0.15  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: International Week of the Weasel!

Some of you are wondering why I haven’t kept up with that whole “I’m going to write a post every day for a year and then buy myself some whiskey and a facelift” thing, and others of you don’t. But as they say, decisions are made by those who show up for a nice five-day nap, and having just finished mine I’d like to test that theory by paying a visit to my good friend the weasel.

Weasel Ornament

Weasel Ornament (Photo credit: nickoneill)

Did you know that in ancient Macedonia, women who suffered from headaches after having washed their heads in water drawn overnight would assume that a weasel had previously used the water as a mirror but would refrain from mentioning the animal’s name for fear that it would destroy their clothes? Of course you did. Now what were we talking about?

A group of weasels is called a confusion!

A group of weasels is called a confusion! I think.

Oh yes. Top 10 Excuses for Not Finishing Stuff That

  1. When I said I’d write a post every day, I meant every day on Pluto, which as we all know no longer exists.
  2. Took me longer than I expected to remember the name of that Pokemon that looks like a clam.
  3. Was possessed by Satan for a few days after eating a piece of toast.
  4. 12 to 18 with time off for good behavior.
  5. Turns out there really is a drain monster. And he’s SINGLE!
  6. Thinking gives you wrinkles, honey. Now where’s mommy’s can of wine?
  7. Well, you get the point.

If you were a weasel (and who’s to say you’re not?) or had to “fly with a baby comfortably” like the lady on the iDRINK recipe page, it would take you no time at all to say to hell with it and mix up a few of these for you and your fellow confusion-mates.

Bleeding Weasel Cocktail



Triple sec
Coconut rum
Juice (optional)


  1. I think we both know that you know what to do, don’t we?

Well, as far as I’m concerned, this has been the best day ever to fly comfortably with a confusion of headache-inducing baby weasels. I hope you agree that it’s been worth the wait.

Tomorrow: Maybe, maybe not.

This is day 15  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned   −$2.05   toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Spring Cleaning!!


Let’s assume, since the mailman no longer ties your Liquor-All catalogs to a rock and throws them at your window, that the big pile of snow in front of your door has melted and spring is here at last. And you know what that means…..

Me neither. Something to do with South America, apparently. But spring also means that it’s time to get down to work and shovel your couch out from under the Hot Pockets wrappers you’ve been using as a blanket all winter.

Don’t know where to start? The important thing to remember is that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither were those weird smells. In other words, if you can’t complete every task that needs doing right away, you might as well forget about the whole thing. Who sees your house anyway? No one, that’s who.

But if you’re the sort of person who refuses to give up even after the doctor cuts off your refills, here are some tips I think might work if I ever tried them.

Top 10 Tips for Doing Whatever It Was We Were Just Talking About

  1. Make a list. This will help you focus on the things you need to do and ignore the things that will go away by themselves eventually, like your children.
  2. Finish up all those half-empty bottles in your liquor cabinet. Ha-ha! Just kidding. But isn’t it nice to know that you’re ahead of the game on at least this one important chore?
  3. Reduce, reuse, recycle. That empty Doritos bag in the sink makes a handy catch-all for empty bottles and such, depending on how far you can throw stuff through your living room wall.
  4. Hold a garage sale. Your neighbors will appreciate having all their cumbersome antiques and unwieldy cars out of the way when they get back from Florida.
  5. Jeez, I dunno. Nap?

Is that 10 yet? Great!!!

Wow. That was hard work, reading that long, long list. How about a snack before we call it a day? Since you’ve been so busy, maybe it’s a good night to stay in and eat something that fell in back of the cupboard, like that scary bottle of discolored clam juice. Hey, isn’t there a drink that has clam juice in it?

Bloody Scary


Clam juice (hint: if you don’t have clam juice, water works just as well)
Tomato juice (or water…. you’ll never know the difference!)
Hot sauce (optional, if you’re running low on water)
Ice (frozen water may be substituted)


  1. Mix all ingredients except vodka.
  2. Strain out water.
  3. Drink vodka.

Just imagine the satisfaction you’ll feel tonight when you go to sleep on the kitchen floor, knowing you’ve made your house just a little bit cozier for the woodland creatures living in your insulation. There truly is no place like home! Except Liquor-All. Liquor-All is exactly like home. God bless Liquor-All.

See you in the fall!

Tomorrow: Where to take stuff when the dump won’t let you back in.

This is day  7  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $5.05   toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Home Improvement Day!


If you’ve ever had your head stuck in the space between the pull-out garbage bin and the rest of your body, you know what I’m talking about when I say that some jobs are best left to professionals.

I was thinking this just the other day when I dropped my last Xanax down the bathroom sink and was unable to retrieve it by sucking fiercely on the drain. No, this would require some serious disassembly, using the heavy-duty tools that came with that Fischer-Price workbench the kid next door had so much fun banging away on before he got locked in my basement.

Taking a sink apart may seem like a walk in the park to those of you whose plumbing isn’t full pipes and water and such, but believe me, there’s nothing fun about sitting on the floor surrounded by random pieces of metal, none of which have Xanax in them. On the plus side, I could see right through the new hole in the bathroom floor into my kitchen. No more having to guess where those burning smells are coming from!

Thankfully, my mechanical instincts served me well on this occasion, when after sobbing half-heartedly amid the soggy debris I determined that having running water was far lower on the home improvement priority list than mixing up a nice relaxing cocktail. This one is sure to help you forget about those scratching noises coming from under the floorboards. Here kitty, kitty, kitty…..

Professional Strength Brain-No


Wire cutters
Band-Aids, probably
Party-sized jug of vodka


  1. Prepare Band-Aids.
  2. Cut hangers and straighten using piece of metal pipe.
  3. Apply Band-Aids to finger.
  4. Twist straightened hangers together to form long chain.
  5. Apply Band-Aids to hand.
  6. Thread hanger chain through hole in floor toward jug of vodka on kitchen counter.
  7. Apply Band-Aids to arm.
  8. Hook jug of vodka onto end of hanger chain and lift through hole.
  9. Apply Band-Aids to torso.
  10. If you can do so without dropping vodka, pull cat out of insulation.
  11. Apply Band-Aids to face.

Just imagine the luxury of knowing you never, ever have to go downstairs again! Until you run out of vodka and/or blood! And/or both!

Happy fishing!

Tomorrow: DIY ER!!!

This is day  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $3.35  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Bye Bye Bunny!


Well, Jesus has risen from the dead again, and I still can’t seem to get out of bed before noon. Of course, he didn’t stay up till all hours waiting for that cute cat-shaped kleenex box to go on Midnight Madness sale at If he had, he would definitely have popped a few extra ambien afterwards and taken the day off. Cause in today’s get-ahead world, self-sacrifice is a little more complicated than just turning your blood into wine. That I can do any night of the week, as those nice folks at the DMV lock-up can attest.

Speaking of half-priced Easter candy, I’m sure you’re looking for a clever way to use up all those leftover Khock-o-Lite flavored treats from the deformed bunny bin. Here’s a post-holiday snack that will make you the talk of tomorrow’s police report…. and all you need are a few common household items, nerves of steel, and the rest of your fingers!

Our Blessed Mother’s Little Helper

If you think it’s a piece of cake looking after a kid who hangs out with lepers, smashes everything in the marketplace, and expects to dwell in His Father’s house for all eternity rent free you’re wrong! Mary doesn’t have that all-suffering look on her face for nothing. If I were her, I’d put my feet up and teach the little hellion to stir me up one of these tasty Easter bunny cocktails. Might as well get some use out of those expensive carpentry tools he was so into for about five minutes and then never took out of the basement again.



Hollow chocolate bunny
Vodka (or other kinds of liquor, if you had any)
Small funnel

photo 1

 1. Carefully drill hole in bunny’s itty-bitty fake hollow head. (For step-by-step schematic, including demonstration of iffy fine motor skills, see video.)


2. Insert funnel in hole and slowly pour vodka into bunny.


3. Insert straw and enjoy.

Oh my god! That was so not hard! I’m feeling very hopeful about the Vodka ‘n Peeps casserole in my slow cooker, especially now that those scary sucking noises have stopped.

Bunny appetite!!

Tomorrow: Spring cleaning… by court order or just for fun!

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Valentine’s Day Photo Essay!

Convincing a meteor to fall on my ex’s house for Valentine’s Day is trickier than it first appears. As you and all those nice people in Siberia have no doubt figured out by now, my coordinates were way the hell off.

No matter. There is much to celebrate.


The frost is on the jack-o’-lantern!


The Christmas tree is in full bloom!


An asteroid might fall on my ex’s house today!


And this could happen!

Perhaps a lovely cocktail will tide you over until then. Here’s one that should do the trick.

The Day After a Meteor Didn’t Fall on My Ex’s House-tini


Google Earth
Hair from cat that vomited on his pillow once
This swizzle stick



  1. Using telescope, calculate the azimuths of the meteoroidal perihelion axes.
  2. Using Google Earth, aim them at ex’s house.
  3. Using boxwine, drink boxwine.
  4. Wrap swizzle stick in cat hair and place in slug trap he gave you last Valentine’s Day.
  5. Light on fire and throw at his house. House should explode.
  6. Go home.
  7. Finish boxwine.

Another holiday to remember to forget!

But no matter what you don’t remember forgetting, don’t forget to remember that you forgot to do this!! Because clearly I have:

Tomorrow: Completely unnecessary  

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Snow Daze!!!!


If you’ve been following my carefree, girl-about-town goings-on these many months, you no doubt envision me as some sort of glamzilla with nothing to do but lounge around all day in my least soiled nightie, quaffing endless liters of Val-U-Bender chardonnay out of my Li’l Buddy Pet Crematorium souvenir wine goblet while contemplating the mysteries of the universe and that weird gas smell.

Oh contrary!

In fact, my days, like yours, are filled with the demands of modern life. This morning, for example, being keenly attuned to nature’s subtle cues, I could not help but notice upon disengaging the cat from my head and throwing it out the door that it landed not with its usual yowl of relief but with a soft whoosh into a five-foot snowbank. Indeed, winter had arrived.

While the cold weather brings with it numerous pleasures—fewer hours of nausea-inducing daylight come to mind—it also presents its share of difficulties. Baggies no longer serve as adequate footwear. The neighbors bring in their porch furniture, depriving you of an important fuel source. Figuring out where you left the car can take weeks at a time.

No matter. We are made of stern stuff, we single women. If we can withstand the rigors of eating family-sized boxes of uncooked brownie mix for dinner, we can certainly find our way to the laundry room to see if the fluff cycle has dried the phone out yet. Because if I have to shovel, someone had better deliver unto me a fresh box of wine, and I can tell by those muttering, shuffling noises that it’s not going to be any of you people. Fine.

There are very few souls in the world whom one knows so well, with whom one has shared and secretly recorded such intimate and sordid activities, that they can be extorted for favors even under the most inhospitable meteorological conditions. My exes are one of those people.

Having cried out from the depths of the basement to the likeliest of these feckless creatures, and having obtained liquor-based provisions in exchange for the sole copy of a short yet psychologically revealing video clip, I am now ready to renew my connection to the real world by digging a path to my front door for the nice 911 people to use when I call them to come reach something for me on the top shelf.

Shoveling is no joke! Not even a tired, worn-out joke that I’ve used in my last eight columns! For stamina, you’re going to need a hearty meal in your glass. Here’s one that should keep you going, or at the very least help you forget why you thought getting out of bed was such a damned good idea to begin with.

Hot Buttered Fat-tinis


Stick of butter
Tumbler of whiskey
A whole pile of sugar
Possibly a little more butter
Definitely more whiskey
Butter garnish


  1. Melt stick of butter in pot on stove, gas leak be damned.
  2. Add sugar and stir until slightly caramelized. This part is almost like real cooking so pay attention, even if you’re getting sort of woozy.
  3. You know how sometimes when there’s a lot of gas around, and there’s also maybe some kind of flame or whatnot, things suddenly explode?
  4. Pour whiskey into glass with disgusting-looking butter mixture. Disgusting mixture will sink to bottom, thank goodness.
  5. Watching something explode could be kind of fun, actually.
  6. Drop garnish on floor for cat.
  7. Drink whiskey.
  8. Oops.

Is winter over yet? Guess what. You don’t care! Which is a good thing, because you might want to sleep outside tonight, what with the firemen making all that racket in the house.

Sweet dreams!

Tomorrow: Putting the massacre back in Valentine’s Day!