The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: New Year Edition! Happy 20…. uh…. wait, I know this.

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For some people there’s nothing sweeter than the sound of high-pitched plastic noisemakers blasting through what’s left of the brain’s impulse-control center. However, through trial and error, followed by a sentencing hearing, I have discovered that the only truly reliable way to get through New Year’s Eve is to convince yourself it never happened.

This is easily accomplished by mixing up a kettle of pharmaceutical-grade Not-Nog and taking a brisk swim out to the fireworks barge with a crème brulee torch, but for those of you who prefer to stay on the less costly side of the law, I have devised several easy methods to help you forget you ever existed, only a few of which require protective clothing. Here’s one that’s a cinch to pull off with just a little concentration and extremely poor housekeeping skills.

Lucky New Year’s Blackout Peas

Ingredients:

One medium-sized baggie of freezer burn
Something that might have been apple cider at one time
Little white pills from under the sofa
“Ham” bone (optional, depending on how fast that shrieking baby next door can crawl)

Directions:

  1. Place ingredients on counter and sob.
  2. Setting aside several pills for garnish and unwelcome moments of lucidity, crush the rest into a fine powder using fist or, if available, face.
  3. Lick powder off walls while thinking about the New Year’s Eve you spent on the windowsill talking to that friendly 911 guy. Totally should have got his number.
  4. Empty cider, bone(s), and contents of baggie into pot.
  5. On second thought, throw away the whole thing. Better make it snappy.
  6. Eat garnish.

I guarantee you’ll wake up in the morning, maybe by as soon as next week, raring to go and ready to detox while you wait for the liquor store to open at 9:30. And guess what? I have a feeling that 20…. uh….. well, why not just start over with zero!…. is going to be the best year you never had.

Bone chance!!

Tomorrow: As if!

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The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Sunday

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Who doesn’t look forward to Sunday? Indeed, Sunday is the perfect day to reflect on your pointless existence and brace yourself for the week ahead, if you’re planning to have one. It’s time to emerge from the weekend’s self-enforced cocoon of humiliation and climb back up on that barstool now that the normal people have gone home to their “laundry” and “bathing” and so forth in preparation for the baffling income-producing activities they’re always urging you to try. As if!

Sunday may be the day of rest, but as we know, resting your liver is only going to wake your brain back up… so really, what’s the point? Instead I like to think of Sunday as a day to wash away the sins of the world—fun-style!—by rooting out the week’s half-empty glasses from their hidey-holes to see if there’s enough liquor left in them to get through the rest of the damn day.

This may sound like an onerous task, but remember, even little baby Jesus had to hunt for chocolate eggs on his birthday to feed all those lepers. If he could turn water into wine, surely we can turn stale wine into a whole lot of stale wine! Let’s give it a whirl!!

It pays to have a plan, so here’s ours. We’re going to start at one end of the house—that spot where you’re sobbing right now under the couch is perfect!—and move methodically through each room pouring the contents of this morning’s long-forgotten drinks into a bucket, or maybe into that big metal goblet you wrenched away from the priest that time he so rudely refused to fill your flask with his precious “sacrament.”

With a little concerted effort and minor lacerations, you will soon no doubt accumulate a decent amount and variety of alcohol. It’s bound to be 10 a.m. somewhere—possibly right here!—so it’s high time for a tasty beverage. Since that’s not in the cards, let’s make our big bucket of dregs a little less nauseating by adding just a few extra ingredients and using some kind of electrical mixer to stir it all up. Ready?

Sunday Slopbucket Swizzle

Ingredients:

All the liquor you can find
Some other stuff… raisins, maybe?

Directions:

  1. Plug mixer into the wall where it won’t go flying off into someone’s face again. (Sorry, honey! Mommy promises those teeth will grow back super soon!)
  2. Pour ingredient #1 into mixer.
  3. Pour ingredient #2 into mixer.
  4. Push buttons on mixer and see what happens.
  5. Garnish with cat toy that was stuck to bottom of bucket.
  6. Try not to think about it a whole lot, and enjoy!

If you follow this recipe, I’m sure you’ll find Sunday a whole lot more bearable. And just think, recycling those used beverages is already helping to save the earth! Someday Jesus will thank you, or at least stop yelling at you when you back over his teensy-weensy prodigal lambs on your way to the liquor store. Someone should really put a bell on those things.

Tomorrow: Reply hazy, try again

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Saturday

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Ah, Saturday. Don’t you wish you could just grab it and bottle it like a rare perfume? And then throw it over a bridge and watch it sink to the bottom of the ocean, like that time on the Staten Island Ferry when that lady asked you to hold her baby and… well, never mind.

My point is that Saturday only comes once a year, so let’s celebrate by doing something we’ve never done before, no matter how many times they tell us otherwise at the stationhouse.

Here’s the catch: “doing” something may involve going out in public. Beforehand, ask yourself a couple of questions that may help you avoid the aggravation I went through last week when I went to the store and gave everyone that Ebola scare.

  1. How long has it been since you showered? Hint: Look for seasonal cues. Can you smell spoiled eggnog? Are the baby squirrels in your hair still nursing? How many “I voted” stickers are on your face?
  2. Are you wearing clothes? Give yourself one point for the following: underalls, muu-muu, bra (women), adult diaper. Take away one point for these: sleep mask, bra (men), anything involving toilet paper.

Okay, let’s do it!! Grocery stores usually have big parking lots with wide margins of error, making them a good place to start. And finish!

Our first step is navigating the automatic door. If it doesn’t open for you, don’t be discouraged! It’s possible that the manager saw you coming and ordered a lockdown again. My advice? Wait it out. He usually gives up once the ACLU steps in and the meat starts to rot.

Having obtained legal ingress, see if you can blend in with the other shoppers. One way to do this is by buying something other than liquor. This is actually easier than it sounds. I use a method I like to think of as a “liquor lasagna.” Want to give it a try??

Homemade Lasagna Liquoroni

Ingredients:

Liquor
Non-liquor

Directions:

  1. Line the bottom of your shopping cart with box wine.
  2. Sprinkle with parsley.
  3. Top parsley with a layer of box wine.
  4. Garnish with more parsley.
  5. Crown with a final box of wine. Well, there’s nothing wrong with buying one measly box while you’re out shopping for parsley, is there?

Serves one.

Wow, that was FUNtastic! Now, for a special weekend treat, and because you had to give your car keys to the security guard, why not throw a “tailgate” in the parking lot? It’s a great way to finally get to know all the neighbors you’ve been waving at on the witness stand all these years.

Party on!

Tomorrow: No, thanks

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Friday

Did you know that you can make a satisfying meal using only “found” ingredients? No, silly, I don’t mean stuff from your neighbor’s garbage can! Not since the restraining order. I mean things lying around right under your nose in your own roommate’s cupboard.

Last night, for example, I was recovering from a very difficult day that involved a lot of yelling and broken glass. (By the way, if a car is veering toward you, do not try to alert the driver by waving your arms in the air. It just makes me want to hit you even more.) As you can imagine, by the time I got home the last thing I wanted to think about was turning off the stove!

The good news is that with just a few simple tools lying around in your neighbor’s house—like the ones you use to shut off their motion detector—you can make almost any type of liquor look like it’s been barely touched, if ever!

Here’s an idea to get you started.

Stolen Moments

Ingredients:

Your roommate’s whisky
Your roommate’s funnel
Your neighbor’s garden hose
Your neighbor’s rubber gloves
Your roommate’s sponge
Your roommate’s bath towels
Your neighbor’s mop
Water

Directions:

  1. Eyeball the amount of whisky in the bottle. Warning: do not actually put your eyeball in the whisky!
  2. Pour enough into your glass to make it worth your while. Leave enough inside so the bottle still smells vaguely of alcohol. No cork sucking!
  3. Here comes the tricky part. Using the garden hose and funnel, slowly pour water into the bottle until it reaches the original level of the whisky.
  4. Uh-oh. You didn’t do it slowly enough, did you?
  5. Where did your fucking roommate put the fucking dish towels???
  6. Well, if she’s going to use all the dish towels and then hide them from you, it’s her own damn fault that you had to use her clean laundry to wipe up the whisky water and glass shards.
  7. Crap. That’s not blood again, is it? Tell me it’s not blood.
  8. Mop time! See how planning ahead pays off?
  9. Well, it looked like a mop in that dark garage. But now that it’s moving, it seems a little more like a dog or possum or something.
  10. Definitely some kind of dog.
  11. Where’d that whisky go?
  12. Found the dish towels!

As you can see, sustaining oneself through foraging is no easy task. That’s why our forefathers, the pioneers and cannibals and whatnot, went to bed so early and got up so late. Also, they were trying to avoid their roommate… at least until she gets that temper under control.

Well, as they say in France, bunny petite!

Tomorrow: Periods of hell followed by the likelihood of more hell

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Thursday

Thursday has come and gone and here it is, Thursday again. This is the sort of thing that makes a person all philosophical about how fleeting our time on earth is, and how today might be recycling day, and how the hell all those empty bottles are going to get to the curb. When my mind turns to unpleasant thoughts such as these, I usually lie in bed with my eyes closed until I have no idea what I was thinking about. This is an ancient practice called zen, the Japanese word for sleeping.

This time, however, I have decided that it’s time to do something about the mounds of trash that are preventing me from getting to my car and going to the liquor store.

If you’re in the same boat, here are some important tips that even the nice garbage men who always stop for you when you run after them in your nightgown with a sack of plastic take-out containers may not know:

  1. If your neighbors see you dragging bins full of liquor bottles to the curb week after week, smile and wave at them as if it’s normal. Maybe they’ll think you have a lot of parties or something.
  2. If, on the other hand, your neighbors don’t see you, put some of your empty bottles in their bins. Then take a look at your own pile. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how little you’ve had to drink this week!

What I have discovered through the important act of recycling is that with just a little bit of effort, one can exhaust oneself completely. Before going back to bed, why not celebrate with a tasty snack? Here’s one I think you’ll like.

Midmorning-Nap Tea

Ingredients: Gin

Directions:

  1. Search your house for a glass or other receptacle. Warning: crawling under the furniture is a concussion waiting to happen.
  2. Find your “Today Is the Last Day of the Rest of Your Life” coffee mug in the laundry basket, along with your phone. How on earth did that get in there??
  3. Did you forget what you were doing? Go back to step 1.
  4. Fill mug with gin. While you’re at it, make some phone calls just for the hell of it. Calling your ex’s new girlfriend with some helpful information is a good start.

Whew! This was a busy day. Might as well scratch tomorrow off the list.

Tomorrow: The day after tomorrow

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Tuesday

Well, another day has reared its ugly head, and there’s almost nothing you can do about it. So like it says in the Chinese fortune cookie, When the going gets tough, you might as well go back to bed…. in bed!

Tuesday

Tuesday is what happens while you’re busy making other plans or, for some of us, figuring out whether it’s still Monday. What people mean by this is that we sometimes let Tuesday pass us by, especially if we sleep for all but five hours of it. But really, isn’t five hours enough Tuesday for anybody?

Because Tuesday is so short, it’s important to be prepared. First, make sure in advance that you have a full box of wine in the house, because the last thing you want is to use up precious energy getting dressed and going to the store, and the second-to-last thing you want is to go to the store in your nightgown. Trust me on this.

Since going to the store is out, you’re going to have to be especially creative about Tuesday night’s dinner. Hmm… maybe you have something in your cupboard, like tuna. Well if so, you certainly don’t need any cooking advice from me, Miss Fancy Pants!

Ok, so there’s nothing in the cupboard. Have you tried the liquor cabinet? Look! There’s half a jar of maraschino cherries! And some olives! Can you guess which exotic country we’re going to pretend to be in tonight? Wrong!!

Swedish Smörgasbörd Söurs

A “sour” is a term used to describe a drink made with lemon or lime juice. It’s also used to describe the old, disgusting wine in the opened bottles that have been in the back of your liquor cabinet for so long that you forgot about them completely. And because you didn’t listen to me and get a new box of wine, this is what you’re going to have to drink tonight, just like in Sweden.

But here’s the trick! In Sweden, they turn their old, disgusting wine into glög or grög or something by heating it up and putting extra stuff in it to kill the taste, such as maraschino cherry juice. See where I’m going with this?

Ingredients:

Old, disgusting wine
Maraschino cherry juice plus cherries
Olives
Toothpicks (optional)

Directions:

  1. Empty most of the wine into your glass and put the rest in a pot.
  2. Add maraschino cherry juice to the pot and turn on the stove. Warning: if anything in your house is alive, tell it to get out of the way!
  3. Put the maraschino cherries and olives on a plate. They will probably try to get away, in which case stick toothpicks in them. Did your eye accidentally land on a toothpick? Ouch!
  4. Tired? Put your head down on the counter for a little while.
  5. The pot is burning! Thank goodness you took the batteries out of your fire alarm, or it might have gone off and woken you up.

Well, that was fun and delicious, and the firemen were only a little bit angry this time. They must be new! Enjoy the rest of your evening in bed… in bed!

Tomorrow: Wednesday???