The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Resurrection Infection!!!

 

jesus cat

So today we find out if Jesus sees his shadow and goes back into his cave for six more weeks of winter. Personally, I’m all for it, especially after getting a little overzealous with my DIY rust-oleum facial peel last night. Nothing that a little outpatient baby skin transplant wouldn’t cure. Of course, now that the FBI crime scene investigation unit has sealed off my next-door neighbor’s day care, my source has dried up.

No matter. Jesus had something or other to say about lepers, probably along the lines of “Here, wearest thou this polar bear ski mask to the grocery store again and if anyone looks at you funny tell them that thou art beloved above all single middle-aged women by thine cats, and that’s plenty good enough for thou!”

Still, why ask for trouble? Even if it means having to dip into the emergency stash of Ol’ Grandad-flavored schnapps that made you so nauseous during last year’s Lady of Perpetual Failure celebration, at least staying quarantined for the holidays means you can finish up all those fun craft projects that have been blocking access to whatever’s making that burning smell in the basement.

Here’s one I think you’ll like. I call it:

Futile Attempt #973: Easter Diorama

To start, you’ll need some common, everyday household tools. Possibly some of these would work:

tool drawer
Here’s what I ended up using:

diorama tools
Now comes the tricky part, so pick your head up off the counter and pay attention.

Step 1: Carefully detach first peep (part #1A) from other peeps (part #1B, part #1C).

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Step 2: Tie first peep (part #1A) to chocolate cross (part #2). Note: Chocolate cross sold separately. 

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Don’t be afraid to use plenty of tape!

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Step 3: Arrange other peeps (part #1B, part #1C) around some sort of three-dimensional prop, like this bitchin’ race car (part #8A).

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Step 4: Lean everything against a cool background, like this Transformer Pop-Up Activity Place Mat (part #12R). Note: Transformer Pop-Up Activity Place Mat sold separately. I got mine at the dollar store, for 75¢!!

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Your diorama is finished!!!!!!!

peeps diorama 2
Don’t forget to celebrate!!

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Merry Peepster, everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: International Week of the Weasel!

Some of you are wondering why I haven’t kept up with that whole “I’m going to write a post every day for a year and then buy myself some whiskey and a facelift” thing, and others of you don’t. But as they say, decisions are made by those who show up for a nice five-day nap, and having just finished mine I’d like to test that theory by paying a visit to my good friend the weasel.

Weasel Ornament

Weasel Ornament (Photo credit: nickoneill)

Did you know that in ancient Macedonia, women who suffered from headaches after having washed their heads in water drawn overnight would assume that a weasel had previously used the water as a mirror but would refrain from mentioning the animal’s name for fear that it would destroy their clothes? Of course you did. Now what were we talking about?

A group of weasels is called a confusion!

A group of weasels is called a confusion! I think.

Oh yes. Top 10 Excuses for Not Finishing Stuff That

  1. When I said I’d write a post every day, I meant every day on Pluto, which as we all know no longer exists.
  2. Took me longer than I expected to remember the name of that Pokemon that looks like a clam.
  3. Was possessed by Satan for a few days after eating a piece of toast.
  4. 12 to 18 with time off for good behavior.
  5. Turns out there really is a drain monster. And he’s SINGLE!
  6. Thinking gives you wrinkles, honey. Now where’s mommy’s can of wine?
  7. Well, you get the point.

If you were a weasel (and who’s to say you’re not?) or had to “fly with a baby comfortably” like the lady on the iDRINK recipe page, it would take you no time at all to say to hell with it and mix up a few of these for you and your fellow confusion-mates.

Bleeding Weasel Cocktail

Cocktails

Ingredients:

Vodka
Rum
Gin
Tequila
Triple sec
Brandy
Coconut rum
Beer
Juice (optional)

Directions:

  1. I think we both know that you know what to do, don’t we?

Well, as far as I’m concerned, this has been the best day ever to fly comfortably with a confusion of headache-inducing baby weasels. I hope you agree that it’s been worth the wait.

Tomorrow: Maybe, maybe not.

This is day 15  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned   −$2.05   toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Spring Cleaning!!

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Let’s assume, since the mailman no longer ties your Liquor-All catalogs to a rock and throws them at your window, that the big pile of snow in front of your door has melted and spring is here at last. And you know what that means…..

Me neither. Something to do with South America, apparently. But spring also means that it’s time to get down to work and shovel your couch out from under the Hot Pockets wrappers you’ve been using as a blanket all winter.

Don’t know where to start? The important thing to remember is that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither were those weird smells. In other words, if you can’t complete every task that needs doing right away, you might as well forget about the whole thing. Who sees your house anyway? No one, that’s who.

But if you’re the sort of person who refuses to give up even after the doctor cuts off your refills, here are some tips I think might work if I ever tried them.

Top 10 Tips for Doing Whatever It Was We Were Just Talking About

  1. Make a list. This will help you focus on the things you need to do and ignore the things that will go away by themselves eventually, like your children.
  2. Finish up all those half-empty bottles in your liquor cabinet. Ha-ha! Just kidding. But isn’t it nice to know that you’re ahead of the game on at least this one important chore?
  3. Reduce, reuse, recycle. That empty Doritos bag in the sink makes a handy catch-all for empty bottles and such, depending on how far you can throw stuff through your living room wall.
  4. Hold a garage sale. Your neighbors will appreciate having all their cumbersome antiques and unwieldy cars out of the way when they get back from Florida.
  5. Jeez, I dunno. Nap?

Is that 10 yet? Great!!!

Wow. That was hard work, reading that long, long list. How about a snack before we call it a day? Since you’ve been so busy, maybe it’s a good night to stay in and eat something that fell in back of the cupboard, like that scary bottle of discolored clam juice. Hey, isn’t there a drink that has clam juice in it?

Bloody Scary

Ingredients:

Clam juice (hint: if you don’t have clam juice, water works just as well)
Tomato juice (or water…. you’ll never know the difference!)
Hot sauce (optional, if you’re running low on water)
Ice (frozen water may be substituted)
Vodka

Directions:

  1. Mix all ingredients except vodka.
  2. Strain out water.
  3. Drink vodka.

Just imagine the satisfaction you’ll feel tonight when you go to sleep on the kitchen floor, knowing you’ve made your house just a little bit cozier for the woodland creatures living in your insulation. There truly is no place like home! Except Liquor-All. Liquor-All is exactly like home. God bless Liquor-All.

See you in the fall!

Tomorrow: Where to take stuff when the dump won’t let you back in.

This is day  7  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $5.05   toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.