The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Backwards Day!!

DRAWKCAB

.yeksihw deen I

And why do I deen yeksihw, you may ask? Because it’s Backwards Day–that special day I spend undoing all the mistakes I made yesterday! Here’s my list so far:

  1. Take down my profile on AlmostParoled.com.
  2. Apologize to the neighbors for the mercury spill.
  3. Return the backhoe.
  4. Grow back my left pinky.

Days that don’t go your way can make you wonder why you even bother getting up off the floor each morning. But they can also be very instructive. For example, I learned that the annoying “engine emergency” light that I duct-taped over meant that my car needed oil! That should be easy enough to fix, right? But since it still wouldn’t run even after all that hydrofracking in my ex’s front yard, I had to spend half my morning calling both people on my phone contact list to see if one of them would haul it away for me. After the prescription hotline said no, I was stumped.

But not out!

By staring at one spot on the wall very hard for the next few hours, I managed to remember the name of the car store. I could take it to their exchange department for store credit!

Lucky for me, the car store is on the way to the liquor store, so I could follow my burnt rubber tracks. Having finally persuaded the nice blind lady next door to give me a lift, I made it to Liquor-All and bought myself a big bottle of whiskey to help me forget about my stupid broken car. So you see? If you believe in yourself and follow your bliss, the universe will provide your roommate’s spare change!

Let’s celebrate with a honking big cocktail before we get tired and brake into the Preloved Mattress store again for a good night’s sleep. This one should make you lose your car keys!

The DUI-menator

Ingredients:

Car repair waiting room
Day-old coffee
Scary donuts
Tundra Today magazine
Unclaimed toddler
Flask of whiskey
All the time in the fucking world

Directions:

  1. Go to sleep.
  2. Wake up on another planet. Neptune, maybe.

Now that’s what I call a productive day!

!pu smottoB

Tomorrow: Opposite Backwards Day!! 

This is day  110  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge.
I have earned −$91.15  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Bye Bye Bunny!

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Well, Jesus has risen from the dead again, and I still can’t seem to get out of bed before noon. Of course, he didn’t stay up till all hours waiting for that cute cat-shaped kleenex box to go on Midnight Madness sale at mypointlesslife.com. If he had, he would definitely have popped a few extra ambien afterwards and taken the day off. Cause in today’s get-ahead world, self-sacrifice is a little more complicated than just turning your blood into wine. That I can do any night of the week, as those nice folks at the DMV lock-up can attest.

Speaking of half-priced Easter candy, I’m sure you’re looking for a clever way to use up all those leftover Khock-o-Lite flavored treats from the deformed bunny bin. Here’s a post-holiday snack that will make you the talk of tomorrow’s police report…. and all you need are a few common household items, nerves of steel, and the rest of your fingers!

Our Blessed Mother’s Little Helper

If you think it’s a piece of cake looking after a kid who hangs out with lepers, smashes everything in the marketplace, and expects to dwell in His Father’s house for all eternity rent free you’re wrong! Mary doesn’t have that all-suffering look on her face for nothing. If I were her, I’d put my feet up and teach the little hellion to stir me up one of these tasty Easter bunny cocktails. Might as well get some use out of those expensive carpentry tools he was so into for about five minutes and then never took out of the basement again.

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Ingredients:

Hollow chocolate bunny
Drill
Vodka (or other kinds of liquor, if you had any)
Small funnel
Straw

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 1. Carefully drill hole in bunny’s itty-bitty fake hollow head. (For step-by-step schematic, including demonstration of iffy fine motor skills, see video.)

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2. Insert funnel in hole and slowly pour vodka into bunny.

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3. Insert straw and enjoy.

Oh my god! That was so not hard! I’m feeling very hopeful about the Vodka ‘n Peeps casserole in my slow cooker, especially now that those scary sucking noises have stopped.

Bunny appetite!!

Tomorrow: Spring cleaning… by court order or just for fun!