The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: You Say Hospital, I Say Very Bad Place to Have a Hangover

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Here’s the first thing you need to know about hospitals: happy hour sucks.

Luckily, the hospital I frequent most frequently is just around the corner from a lovely all-night liquor store that carries a number of screw-top bottles in convenient purse sizes, assuming your purse isn’t one of those puny 13-gallon kitchen trash bags but more of a leaf-n-lawn type.

On my most recent visit, having smuggled my clanking luggage up the escalator to the Fall Risk Department, I set about finding an empty window seat in which to lie back, relax, and ring for the stewardess to bring me my complimentary sedative. As usual, I had to wait and wait while the nurses dealt with all sorts of yelling and hysterics, but once they finally got me to calm down I began to luxuriate in the extravagance of a fresh diaper as waves of sleepiness took hold of me and I…..

Where was I?

Now, the one thing you must know before you check into your local Sisters of Mercy Day Spa is that leaving can be a tricky business. Before they untie those restraints, you’re probably going to have to answer a few questions. Here’s a little practice quiz to get you started:

  1. How much alcohol do you drink in a day? a) some; b) most; c) all.
  2. Do you have any illegal substances in your home? a) yes, my ex’s new girlfriend; b) maybe, she was here a minute ago; c) no, damn worthless “chew-proof” leashes.
  3. If you felt the urge to harm someone you were close to until that night they dumped you for their 22-year-old assistant, leaving you to shovel snow off your roof at 3:00 in the morning drunk and wearing the same stained flannel nightgown you’ve had on for six days, what would you do? a) yes.

How many did you get right?

Unfortunately, coming home from a hospital staycation can be a bummer. Let’s ease the transition into the “working” week with a nice cocktail to remind us of those happy days of morphine pumps, roomy gowns, and free bendy straws.

The Corpse Sedater

Ingredients:

Diazepam 10 mg t q4h prn
NyQuil 32 oz po tid
Ethanol 5oo mL IV ad lib
Leftover Christmas candy 750 gr whenever I fucking feel like it

Directions:

  1. Avoid exposure to sunlight by keeping head under covers at all times.
  2. Do not operate heavy machinery like last time.
  3. Limit contact with the elderly and infirm, because gross!
  4. Refill as needed every 24 hours or as soon as you wake up, whichever comes first.

Get Well Sooner or Later!!!

Tomorrow: Lobotomy for Dummies

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Backwards Day!!

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.yeksihw deen I

And why do I deen yeksihw, you may ask? Because it’s Backwards Day–that special day I spend undoing all the mistakes I made yesterday! Here’s my list so far:

  1. Take down my profile on AlmostParoled.com.
  2. Apologize to the neighbors for the mercury spill.
  3. Return the backhoe.
  4. Grow back my left pinky.

Days that don’t go your way can make you wonder why you even bother getting up off the floor each morning. But they can also be very instructive. For example, I learned that the annoying “engine emergency” light that I duct-taped over meant that my car needed oil! That should be easy enough to fix, right? But since it still wouldn’t run even after all that hydrofracking in my ex’s front yard, I had to spend half my morning calling both people on my phone contact list to see if one of them would haul it away for me. After the prescription hotline said no, I was stumped.

But not out!

By staring at one spot on the wall very hard for the next few hours, I managed to remember the name of the car store. I could take it to their exchange department for store credit!

Lucky for me, the car store is on the way to the liquor store, so I could follow my burnt rubber tracks. Having finally persuaded the nice blind lady next door to give me a lift, I made it to Liquor-All and bought myself a big bottle of whiskey to help me forget about my stupid broken car. So you see? If you believe in yourself and follow your bliss, the universe will provide your roommate’s spare change!

Let’s celebrate with a honking big cocktail before we get tired and brake into the Preloved Mattress store again for a good night’s sleep. This one should make you lose your car keys!

The DUI-menator

Ingredients:

Car repair waiting room
Day-old coffee
Scary donuts
Tundra Today magazine
Unclaimed toddler
Flask of whiskey
All the time in the fucking world

Directions:

  1. Go to sleep.
  2. Wake up on another planet. Neptune, maybe.

Now that’s what I call a productive day!

!pu smottoB

Tomorrow: Opposite Backwards Day!! 

This is day  110  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge.
I have earned −$91.15  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.