Here’s the first thing you need to know about hospitals: happy hour sucks.
Luckily, the hospital I frequent most frequently is just around the corner from a lovely all-night liquor store that carries a number of screw-top bottles in convenient purse sizes, assuming your purse isn’t one of those puny 13-gallon kitchen trash bags but more of a leaf-n-lawn type.
On my most recent visit, having smuggled my clanking luggage up the escalator to the Fall Risk Department, I set about finding an empty window seat in which to lie back, relax, and ring for the stewardess to bring me my complimentary sedative. As usual, I had to wait and wait while the nurses dealt with all sorts of yelling and hysterics, but once they finally got me to calm down I began to luxuriate in the extravagance of a fresh diaper as waves of sleepiness took hold of me and I…..
Where was I?
Now, the one thing you must know before you check into your local Sisters of Mercy Day Spa is that leaving can be a tricky business. Before they untie those restraints, you’re probably going to have to answer a few questions. Here’s a little practice quiz to get you started:
- How much alcohol do you drink in a day? a) some; b) most; c) all.
- Do you have any illegal substances in your home? a) yes, my ex’s new girlfriend; b) maybe, she was here a minute ago; c) no, damn worthless “chew-proof” leashes.
- If you felt the urge to harm someone you were close to until that night they dumped you for their 22-year-old assistant, leaving you to shovel snow off your roof at 3:00 in the morning drunk and wearing the same stained flannel nightgown you’ve had on for six days, what would you do? a) yes.
How many did you get right?
Unfortunately, coming home from a hospital staycation can be a bummer. Let’s ease the transition into the “working” week with a nice cocktail to remind us of those happy days of morphine pumps, roomy gowns, and free bendy straws.
The Corpse Sedater
Diazepam 10 mg t q4h prn
NyQuil 32 oz po tid
Ethanol 5oo mL IV ad lib
Leftover Christmas candy 750 gr whenever I fucking feel like it
- Avoid exposure to sunlight by keeping head under covers at all times.
- Do not operate heavy machinery like last time.
- Limit contact with the elderly and infirm, because gross!
- Refill as needed every 24 hours or as soon as you wake up, whichever comes first.
Get Well Sooner or Later!!!
Tomorrow: Lobotomy for Dummies