The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Hangover Edition!

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Let’s suppose that you’ve ingested 30-something-something jello shots and fallen asleep on your living room floor for two months. Is it possible that during this time your brain could have congealed against the left side of your skull, grown fur, and superglued itself to the carpet?

I am here to tell you that such a thing is possible.

Here’s what else is possible:

  • You skyped all your old boyfriends with your head stuck in a potato chip bag.
  • You invented a new type of bangs called “broken roller-coaster.”
  • You found out how many cups are in a gallon of lighter fluid.
  • You vacuumed your sidewalk.

Now here it is, June suddenly, and all this daylight is playing havoc with my 4:30 p.m. bedtime. Since it’s 29 more days until I can renew my monthly supply of Euthenyz® sedatives, I’ll have to find some other way to obliterate all sensory input and find my way back to happy sleepy land. If you own a prescription pad and live within a 10-mile radius of my chainsaw, you’d better hope this works.

Hair-of-the-Neighbor’s-Screaming-Toddler Bye-Bye Juice

Ingredients:

Massive headache
Internal bleeding
Backwards writing on forehead
Leftover jello shots
Raw egg
Lots of salt
Gin

Directions:

  1. Lure toddler to fence with Mister Slurpee Truck ringtone.
  2. Shove jello shots into its gaping maw until it passes out in the delphiniums.
  3. Go inside and pour gin into glass.
  4. Add salt to taste.
  5. Open egg.
  6. Weird. That egg is definitely giving me the stink-eye. Why would it do a thing like that?
  7. Discard egg and open different egg.
  8. Okay, seriously? This one totally thinks it’s better than me.
  9. I know when I’m being judged.
  10. Yeah, like you’ve never been hungover. Stupid egg.
  11. Let’s see you lug an inebriated toddler in a dog crate to your ex’s basement. Huh? Huh??
  12. You know, eggs are really pretty disgusting. Who first decided to eat an egg, anyway? Had to be some kind of sociopath.
  13. Speaking of which, did I leave my name tag on that dog crate?
  14. Drink gin.

Did it work? Am I asleep? If so, could somebody please tell my idiot ex to stop all that yelling and pounding at the door? Some of us decent folk are trying to get some rest.

Nitey-nite!

Tomorrow: August

This is day  57  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge.
I have earned −$39.15  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Spring Fashions!

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Remember clothes? From before they invented the Snuggie?

Me neither. All I know is that nowadays, to keep up with “people” and “laws” and such, I have to forage for napkins and rain gear and whatnot to shield my chunky parts from the elements — not to mention from the prying eyes of those hoity-toity folks in the grocery store, who clearly have no imagination when it comes to off-label uses for coffee filters.

If you, too, need to leave the house from time to time, you’re probably asking yourself the same questions I am: “Are sock puppets appropriate footwear for sentencing hearings?” “Have I put enough scotch tape on this hospital gown this time?” “Is it winter?”

You’re not alone! Here are a few ideas for clothes-like cover-ups fashioned from everyday items. Not only will these easy-to-wear outfits help you stretch your clothing dollars to cover that trip down the liquor aisle, they’ll also make you stand out from the riff-raff — very handy when you find yourself on the wrong side of a foreign tribunal by accident!

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Why not just wear your home, like those rabid jumbo snails they found in Texas! Roomy enough for one, and keeps those nasty fluids out… or in!

Springbar Cabana

Springbar Cabana (Photo credit: Earthworm)

Perfect for the liquor store, or anywhere you need to stay focused. Comes in handy as a funnel too!

The Cone of Shame

(Photo credit: MoHotta18)

Summer’s coming! A few of these make for a festive casual outfit and provide important protection from sharp corners.

English: teddy bear in swim ring Deutsch: Tedd...

Teddybär im Schwimring (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The classics never go out of style!

lampshade

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What you need to go along with your new wardrobe is a drink that won’t weigh you down. Stir up a few of these, and you’ll be fitting into your living room curtains in no time!

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Diet Gin & Tonic

Ingredients:
Gin
Tonic

Directions:

  1. Pour gin in glass.
  2. Throw out tonic.
  3. Drink gin.

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Diet Rum & Coke

Ingredients:
Rum
Coke

Directions:

  1. Pour rum in glass.
  2. Throw out coke.
  3. Drink rum.

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Diet Whiskey

Ingredients:
Whiskey

Directions:

  1. Pour whiskey in glass.
  2. Drink whiskey.

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Well, I could go on and on! But I’ve got trash bags to hem.

Ciao for now, bellas!

Tomorrow: I wouldn’t get your hopes up. 

This is day  17  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $0.15  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: International Week of the Weasel!

Some of you are wondering why I haven’t kept up with that whole “I’m going to write a post every day for a year and then buy myself some whiskey and a facelift” thing, and others of you don’t. But as they say, decisions are made by those who show up for a nice five-day nap, and having just finished mine I’d like to test that theory by paying a visit to my good friend the weasel.

Weasel Ornament

Weasel Ornament (Photo credit: nickoneill)

Did you know that in ancient Macedonia, women who suffered from headaches after having washed their heads in water drawn overnight would assume that a weasel had previously used the water as a mirror but would refrain from mentioning the animal’s name for fear that it would destroy their clothes? Of course you did. Now what were we talking about?

A group of weasels is called a confusion!

A group of weasels is called a confusion! I think.

Oh yes. Top 10 Excuses for Not Finishing Stuff That

  1. When I said I’d write a post every day, I meant every day on Pluto, which as we all know no longer exists.
  2. Took me longer than I expected to remember the name of that Pokemon that looks like a clam.
  3. Was possessed by Satan for a few days after eating a piece of toast.
  4. 12 to 18 with time off for good behavior.
  5. Turns out there really is a drain monster. And he’s SINGLE!
  6. Thinking gives you wrinkles, honey. Now where’s mommy’s can of wine?
  7. Well, you get the point.

If you were a weasel (and who’s to say you’re not?) or had to “fly with a baby comfortably” like the lady on the iDRINK recipe page, it would take you no time at all to say to hell with it and mix up a few of these for you and your fellow confusion-mates.

Bleeding Weasel Cocktail

Cocktails

Ingredients:

Vodka
Rum
Gin
Tequila
Triple sec
Brandy
Coconut rum
Beer
Juice (optional)

Directions:

  1. I think we both know that you know what to do, don’t we?

Well, as far as I’m concerned, this has been the best day ever to fly comfortably with a confusion of headache-inducing baby weasels. I hope you agree that it’s been worth the wait.

Tomorrow: Maybe, maybe not.

This is day 15  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned   −$2.05   toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Spring Cleaning!!

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Let’s assume, since the mailman no longer ties your Liquor-All catalogs to a rock and throws them at your window, that the big pile of snow in front of your door has melted and spring is here at last. And you know what that means…..

Me neither. Something to do with South America, apparently. But spring also means that it’s time to get down to work and shovel your couch out from under the Hot Pockets wrappers you’ve been using as a blanket all winter.

Don’t know where to start? The important thing to remember is that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither were those weird smells. In other words, if you can’t complete every task that needs doing right away, you might as well forget about the whole thing. Who sees your house anyway? No one, that’s who.

But if you’re the sort of person who refuses to give up even after the doctor cuts off your refills, here are some tips I think might work if I ever tried them.

Top 10 Tips for Doing Whatever It Was We Were Just Talking About

  1. Make a list. This will help you focus on the things you need to do and ignore the things that will go away by themselves eventually, like your children.
  2. Finish up all those half-empty bottles in your liquor cabinet. Ha-ha! Just kidding. But isn’t it nice to know that you’re ahead of the game on at least this one important chore?
  3. Reduce, reuse, recycle. That empty Doritos bag in the sink makes a handy catch-all for empty bottles and such, depending on how far you can throw stuff through your living room wall.
  4. Hold a garage sale. Your neighbors will appreciate having all their cumbersome antiques and unwieldy cars out of the way when they get back from Florida.
  5. Jeez, I dunno. Nap?

Is that 10 yet? Great!!!

Wow. That was hard work, reading that long, long list. How about a snack before we call it a day? Since you’ve been so busy, maybe it’s a good night to stay in and eat something that fell in back of the cupboard, like that scary bottle of discolored clam juice. Hey, isn’t there a drink that has clam juice in it?

Bloody Scary

Ingredients:

Clam juice (hint: if you don’t have clam juice, water works just as well)
Tomato juice (or water…. you’ll never know the difference!)
Hot sauce (optional, if you’re running low on water)
Ice (frozen water may be substituted)
Vodka

Directions:

  1. Mix all ingredients except vodka.
  2. Strain out water.
  3. Drink vodka.

Just imagine the satisfaction you’ll feel tonight when you go to sleep on the kitchen floor, knowing you’ve made your house just a little bit cozier for the woodland creatures living in your insulation. There truly is no place like home! Except Liquor-All. Liquor-All is exactly like home. God bless Liquor-All.

See you in the fall!

Tomorrow: Where to take stuff when the dump won’t let you back in.

This is day  7  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $5.05   toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

Pimp My Ex

Note: This Encore Post presentation is brought to you by sheer laziness. 

boyfriend

In cooperation with the Marriage Prevention Act, we are compiling a database on all U.S. residents who have mated, are currently mating, or might later this evening mate with unwitting victims just like you. Please join us in this crucial endeavor by applying the following questions to the idiots you once thought were so damn wonderful and answering to the best of whatever limited abilities you still possess after the hell you’ve been through.

1. Please state your current or future ex’s name in full including known aliases and embarrassing anatomical nicknames; his/her current place or couch of residence; marital status assuming it’s even true; and net worth, if any.

2. State the total cash value of all gifts received from the above named person during your relationship, in U.S. dollars. Please include items subsequently smashed in a drunken rage and dumped on their front lawn.

3. To your knowledge has this person ever ended a relationship via a) Tweet; b) text; c) Facebook status update; d) faking own death. Count whichever they did to you double.

4. At the stroke of midnight on the last New Year’s Eve of your relationship was this person a) asleep; b) vomiting; c) both a and b; d) upstairs in host’s bedroom “checking the weather report.”

5. Please complete the following: “My ex is to commitment as water is to…” a) lighter fluid; b) two-week-old lobster tank water; c) way too much box wine; d) not water.

6. If you were to assign a DSM-IV diagnosis to your ex, what would it be? a) narcissist who threw away the best thing that ever happened to him; b) bipolar asshole who completely traded down; c) schizophrenic who will never be able to have a real relationship until he moves away from his mother; d) sociopath with small penis.

7. Friends would describe the person your ex is currently dating as a) fat; b) really fat; c) fatter every time they see her; d) definitely fatter than you, not that you’re at all fat.

Essay Section. Please respond to the following. Is it ethical to publish the details of someone’s bizarre and probably illegal sexual proclivities? Recreational drug use? How often they shower? Are the terrible things they said about their mother fair game? Why the hell not?

THANK YOU for your participation!

This is day  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $4.05   toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Home Improvement Day!

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If you’ve ever had your head stuck in the space between the pull-out garbage bin and the rest of your body, you know what I’m talking about when I say that some jobs are best left to professionals.

I was thinking this just the other day when I dropped my last Xanax down the bathroom sink and was unable to retrieve it by sucking fiercely on the drain. No, this would require some serious disassembly, using the heavy-duty tools that came with that Fischer-Price workbench the kid next door had so much fun banging away on before he got locked in my basement.

Taking a sink apart may seem like a walk in the park to those of you whose plumbing isn’t full pipes and water and such, but believe me, there’s nothing fun about sitting on the floor surrounded by random pieces of metal, none of which have Xanax in them. On the plus side, I could see right through the new hole in the bathroom floor into my kitchen. No more having to guess where those burning smells are coming from!

Thankfully, my mechanical instincts served me well on this occasion, when after sobbing half-heartedly amid the soggy debris I determined that having running water was far lower on the home improvement priority list than mixing up a nice relaxing cocktail. This one is sure to help you forget about those scratching noises coming from under the floorboards. Here kitty, kitty, kitty…..

Professional Strength Brain-No

Ingredients:

Hangers
Wire cutters
Band-Aids, probably
Party-sized jug of vodka

Directions:

  1. Prepare Band-Aids.
  2. Cut hangers and straighten using piece of metal pipe.
  3. Apply Band-Aids to finger.
  4. Twist straightened hangers together to form long chain.
  5. Apply Band-Aids to hand.
  6. Thread hanger chain through hole in floor toward jug of vodka on kitchen counter.
  7. Apply Band-Aids to arm.
  8. Hook jug of vodka onto end of hanger chain and lift through hole.
  9. Apply Band-Aids to torso.
  10. If you can do so without dropping vodka, pull cat out of insulation.
  11. Apply Band-Aids to face.

Just imagine the luxury of knowing you never, ever have to go downstairs again! Until you run out of vodka and/or blood! And/or both!

Happy fishing!

Tomorrow: DIY ER!!!

This is day  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $3.35  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

Crazy-Ass Jellyfish!!!!!

Did you know that jellyfish are known as the “middle-aged women looking for somewhere to sit down and eat this cannoli” of the sea? Fine. So I didn’t write a post today. So I went to the aquarium instead. Here are some jellyfish. You’re welcome.

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This is day  3  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $2.35  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.