Pimp My Ex

Note: This Encore Post presentation is brought to you by sheer laziness. 

boyfriend

In cooperation with the Marriage Prevention Act, we are compiling a database on all U.S. residents who have mated, are currently mating, or might later this evening mate with unwitting victims just like you. Please join us in this crucial endeavor by applying the following questions to the idiots you once thought were so damn wonderful and answering to the best of whatever limited abilities you still possess after the hell you’ve been through.

1. Please state your current or future ex’s name in full including known aliases and embarrassing anatomical nicknames; his/her current place or couch of residence; marital status assuming it’s even true; and net worth, if any.

2. State the total cash value of all gifts received from the above named person during your relationship, in U.S. dollars. Please include items subsequently smashed in a drunken rage and dumped on their front lawn.

3. To your knowledge has this person ever ended a relationship via a) Tweet; b) text; c) Facebook status update; d) faking own death. Count whichever they did to you double.

4. At the stroke of midnight on the last New Year’s Eve of your relationship was this person a) asleep; b) vomiting; c) both a and b; d) upstairs in host’s bedroom “checking the weather report.”

5. Please complete the following: “My ex is to commitment as water is to…” a) lighter fluid; b) two-week-old lobster tank water; c) way too much box wine; d) not water.

6. If you were to assign a DSM-IV diagnosis to your ex, what would it be? a) narcissist who threw away the best thing that ever happened to him; b) bipolar asshole who completely traded down; c) schizophrenic who will never be able to have a real relationship until he moves away from his mother; d) sociopath with small penis.

7. Friends would describe the person your ex is currently dating as a) fat; b) really fat; c) fatter every time they see her; d) definitely fatter than you, not that you’re at all fat.

Essay Section. Please respond to the following. Is it ethical to publish the details of someone’s bizarre and probably illegal sexual proclivities? Recreational drug use? How often they shower? Are the terrible things they said about their mother fair game? Why the hell not?

THANK YOU for your participation!

This is day  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $4.05   toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

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Answers to Monday’s Puzzler!

Well, Monday has come and gone, and really, in the grand scheme of things, why does it matter? Why? Because today you get to find out the answers to yesterday’s “Spot the Mistakes” puzzle!

Let’s review the puzzle. Your task was to find 10 things wrong with this picture:

photo-3

I received a slightly less-than-underwhelming response from my readers, but unfortunately all one of you who submitted answers were way the hell off. Here are the 10 wrong things:

  1.  I’m bored.
  2. My throat itches.
  3. I need to pee again. Didn’t I just pee?
  4. I wonder if people ever get so tired of having to get up to pee that they just shoot themselves in the face.
  5. Where did that brown pillowcase come from? I know I’ve never bought a brown pillowcase.
  6. My tolerance for liquor is going up just as my tolerance for humanity is going down. That’s what I call ironic.
  7. Which is the one that’s not really a bear, panda or koala? I can never remember. Further proof that my brain is crap.
  8. 7 x 8 = what? 56? That just doesn’t make any sense.
  9. If I’d stuck with math I’d probably be a doctor now. My shitty 10th grade calculus teacher — she’s the reason I don’t have a real career, and a husband. Who wants to marry a copyeditor? No one, that’s who.
  10. When people say they didn’t get my message they’re lying, right? Nobody doesn’t get their messages.
  11. *Expert-Level Bonus Answer* How come we don’t eat pigeon eggs? Is there something the matter with them? Other than that they came out of a pigeon?

How many did you get right?

This is day  2  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $2  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

Monday Puzzle Page! What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Ready for your Monday puzzler? Let’s look at an example to see how it works.

See if you can spot the mistake in this picture:

smokybrown_cockroach_on_back

That’s right! My ex has BLUE eyes, not brown!

Now it’s your turn! Spot the 10 things wrong with the following picture and list your guesses in the “comments” section below.

photo-3

Tune in tomorrow for the correct answers! Good luck!!!!!

This is day  1  of the Race to Cure Crankiness post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $1  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.