The Drinking Girls’ Guide to Hell: SOTU Rebuttal!

Never one to miss an opportunity for a drinking game, even if it involves having to think of something other than myself, I had a lovely morning tuning into a relapse of the president’s speech, which I had forgotten all about until my next-door neighbor got all political and live-telephoned me some thoughts about the state of the mound of used kitty litter in my backyard, to which I say you find a plumber whose insurance company will let him come to my house again and I’ll gladly take my personal grooming back indoors, thank you very much!

My point is, a drinking game is only as good as the amount of liquor that’s being drankened. Here’s one of my favorites.

  1. Choose a few key terms that you think might come up in the speech, and refill your basin of wine whenever they’re said. For example, this morning I chose the terms “the” “but” and “to”. And “and”. But if you’re having trouble coming up with specific words like these, feel free to just use letters. For an extra challenge, use all of them!
  2. What speech?


Now that you’ve done your political duty and are ready to start the day, why not put all those highfalutin words into action and bypass your recalcitrant, do-nothing consciousness with some executive orders of your own? Feel free to give these a try.

  1. I’m sticking to my all-of-the-above energy strategy by ignoring both the gas leak and the handy, solar-friendly roof opening I made during that flaming rum ball incident.
  2. Finish the job on immigration reform so that talented individuals like me can get temporary permission to cross state lines and take part in Liquor-All’s Shots-for-Tots FUNraiser.
  3. It’s time to do away with workplace policies that belong in a Mad Men episode, except for those snazzy bar-carts.
  4. Raise wages for hard-working people with full-time jobs, like me. Ha! Just kidding.

Well, that’s just about when I passed out on the floor… er, turned off the set. Since it’s nearly breakfast time, how about raising our glass to the greatest nation in the country with a patriotic cocktail? This one should make you see stars ‘n stripes!

jello 2

Land of the Free Drinks

Four score and seven years ago, when I became old enough to buy myself a nice bottle of bathtub gin, I realized that my slender income would cover either a steady supply of alcohol or a career in hypochondria — but not both. Bootstrap-puller that I am, I set forth upon this new nation’s happy hours to pilfer as much voluntary liquor as I could find. Along the way, I learned a few tricks, which I share with you now.


Large empty container
Large outerwear
Large underwear
Low expectations
Bad manners


  1. 2:00 pm, distillery tour. After you sample, ask to buy a few cases. Fill your tupperware while cases are being fetched. Leave in a huff when your Diskount-Chopper FLex-piration card is declined. (American value upheld: Justice!)
  2. 4:00 pm, grocery store wine tasting. Once you’ve been to the table a few times and that perky customer service lady starts to look nervous, you’re going to have to get creative. Try drawing a face on your hat and walking in backwards. (American value upheld: Ingenuity!)
  3. 5:00 pm, bar. Steal people’s drinks. (American value upheld: Spunkiness!)
  4. 7:00 pm, neighbors’ recycling bins. Someone must have thrown out some expired NyQuil, right? (American value upheld: Civic responsibility!)
  5. 8:00, home. Maybe you can squeeze some more wine out of last night’s box. (American value upheld: Irrational belief system!)

Sweet dreams, America!

Tomorrow: Deportation — How Likely Is It, Really?

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