Let’s suppose that you’ve ingested 30-something-something jello shots and fallen asleep on your living room floor for two months. Is it possible that during this time your brain could have congealed against the left side of your skull, grown fur, and superglued itself to the carpet?
I am here to tell you that such a thing is possible.
Here’s what else is possible:
- You skyped all your old boyfriends with your head stuck in a potato chip bag.
- You invented a new type of bangs called “broken roller-coaster.”
- You found out how many cups are in a gallon of lighter fluid.
- You vacuumed your sidewalk.
Now here it is, June suddenly, and all this daylight is playing havoc with my 4:30 p.m. bedtime. Since it’s 29 more days until I can renew my monthly supply of Euthenyz® sedatives, I’ll have to find some other way to obliterate all sensory input and find my way back to happy sleepy land. If you own a prescription pad and live within a 10-mile radius of my chainsaw, you’d better hope this works.
Hair-of-the-Neighbor’s-Screaming-Toddler Bye-Bye Juice
Backwards writing on forehead
Leftover jello shots
Lots of salt
- Lure toddler to fence with Mister Slurpee Truck ringtone.
- Shove jello shots into its gaping maw until it passes out in the delphiniums.
- Go inside and pour gin into glass.
- Add salt to taste.
- Open egg.
- Weird. That egg is definitely giving me the stink-eye. Why would it do a thing like that?
- Discard egg and open different egg.
- Okay, seriously? This one totally thinks it’s better than me.
- I know when I’m being judged.
- Yeah, like you’ve never been hungover. Stupid egg.
- Let’s see you lug an inebriated toddler in a dog crate to your ex’s basement. Huh? Huh??
- You know, eggs are really pretty disgusting. Who first decided to eat an egg, anyway? Had to be some kind of sociopath.
- Speaking of which, did I leave my name tag on that dog crate?
- Drink gin.
Did it work? Am I asleep? If so, could somebody please tell my idiot ex to stop all that yelling and pounding at the door? Some of us decent folk are trying to get some rest.
This is day 57 of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge.
I have earned −$39.15 toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.