The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Spring Cleaning!!

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Let’s assume, since the mailman no longer ties your Liquor-All catalogs to a rock and throws them at your window, that the big pile of snow in front of your door has melted and spring is here at last. And you know what that means…..

Me neither. Something to do with South America, apparently. But spring also means that it’s time to get down to work and shovel your couch out from under the Hot Pockets wrappers you’ve been using as a blanket all winter.

Don’t know where to start? The important thing to remember is that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither were those weird smells. In other words, if you can’t complete every task that needs doing right away, you might as well forget about the whole thing. Who sees your house anyway? No one, that’s who.

But if you’re the sort of person who refuses to give up even after the doctor cuts off your refills, here are some tips I think might work if I ever tried them.

Top 10 Tips for Doing Whatever It Was We Were Just Talking About

  1. Make a list. This will help you focus on the things you need to do and ignore the things that will go away by themselves eventually, like your children.
  2. Finish up all those half-empty bottles in your liquor cabinet. Ha-ha! Just kidding. But isn’t it nice to know that you’re ahead of the game on at least this one important chore?
  3. Reduce, reuse, recycle. That empty Doritos bag in the sink makes a handy catch-all for empty bottles and such, depending on how far you can throw stuff through your living room wall.
  4. Hold a garage sale. Your neighbors will appreciate having all their cumbersome antiques and unwieldy cars out of the way when they get back from Florida.
  5. Jeez, I dunno. Nap?

Is that 10 yet? Great!!!

Wow. That was hard work, reading that long, long list. How about a snack before we call it a day? Since you’ve been so busy, maybe it’s a good night to stay in and eat something that fell in back of the cupboard, like that scary bottle of discolored clam juice. Hey, isn’t there a drink that has clam juice in it?

Bloody Scary

Ingredients:

Clam juice (hint: if you don’t have clam juice, water works just as well)
Tomato juice (or water…. you’ll never know the difference!)
Hot sauce (optional, if you’re running low on water)
Ice (frozen water may be substituted)
Vodka

Directions:

  1. Mix all ingredients except vodka.
  2. Strain out water.
  3. Drink vodka.

Just imagine the satisfaction you’ll feel tonight when you go to sleep on the kitchen floor, knowing you’ve made your house just a little bit cozier for the woodland creatures living in your insulation. There truly is no place like home! Except Liquor-All. Liquor-All is exactly like home. God bless Liquor-All.

See you in the fall!

Tomorrow: Where to take stuff when the dump won’t let you back in.

This is day  7  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $5.05   toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.

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