Note: This Encore Post presentation is brought to you by sheer laziness.
In cooperation with the Marriage Prevention Act, we are compiling a database on all U.S. residents who have mated, are currently mating, or might later this evening mate with unwitting victims just like you. Please join us in this crucial endeavor by applying the following questions to the idiots you once thought were so damn wonderful and answering to the best of whatever limited abilities you still possess after the hell you’ve been through.
1. Please state your current or future ex’s name in full including known aliases and embarrassing anatomical nicknames; his/her current place or couch of residence; marital status assuming it’s even true; and net worth, if any.
2. State the total cash value of all gifts received from the above named person during your relationship, in U.S. dollars. Please include items subsequently smashed in a drunken rage and dumped on their front lawn.
3. To your knowledge has this person ever ended a relationship via a) Tweet; b) text; c) Facebook status update; d) faking own death. Count whichever they did to you double.
4. At the stroke of midnight on the last New Year’s Eve of your relationship was this person a) asleep; b) vomiting; c) both a and b; d) upstairs in host’s bedroom “checking the weather report.”
5. Please complete the following: “My ex is to commitment as water is to…” a) lighter fluid; b) two-week-old lobster tank water; c) way too much box wine; d) not water.
6. If you were to assign a DSM-IV diagnosis to your ex, what would it be? a) narcissist who threw away the best thing that ever happened to him; b) bipolar asshole who completely traded down; c) schizophrenic who will never be able to have a real relationship until he moves away from his mother; d) sociopath with small penis.
7. Friends would describe the person your ex is currently dating as a) fat; b) really fat; c) fatter every time they see her; d) definitely fatter than you, not that you’re at all fat.
Essay Section. Please respond to the following. Is it ethical to publish the details of someone’s bizarre and probably illegal sexual proclivities? Recreational drug use? How often they shower? Are the terrible things they said about their mother fair game? Why the hell not?
THANK YOU for your participation!
This is day 5 of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned $4.05 toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.