The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Home Improvement Day!


If you’ve ever had your head stuck in the space between the pull-out garbage bin and the rest of your body, you know what I’m talking about when I say that some jobs are best left to professionals.

I was thinking this just the other day when I dropped my last Xanax down the bathroom sink and was unable to retrieve it by sucking fiercely on the drain. No, this would require some serious disassembly, using the heavy-duty tools that came with that Fischer-Price workbench the kid next door had so much fun banging away on before he got locked in my basement.

Taking a sink apart may seem like a walk in the park to those of you whose plumbing isn’t full pipes and water and such, but believe me, there’s nothing fun about sitting on the floor surrounded by random pieces of metal, none of which have Xanax in them. On the plus side, I could see right through the new hole in the bathroom floor into my kitchen. No more having to guess where those burning smells are coming from!

Thankfully, my mechanical instincts served me well on this occasion, when after sobbing half-heartedly amid the soggy debris I determined that having running water was far lower on the home improvement priority list than mixing up a nice relaxing cocktail. This one is sure to help you forget about those scratching noises coming from under the floorboards. Here kitty, kitty, kitty…..

Professional Strength Brain-No


Wire cutters
Band-Aids, probably
Party-sized jug of vodka


  1. Prepare Band-Aids.
  2. Cut hangers and straighten using piece of metal pipe.
  3. Apply Band-Aids to finger.
  4. Twist straightened hangers together to form long chain.
  5. Apply Band-Aids to hand.
  6. Thread hanger chain through hole in floor toward jug of vodka on kitchen counter.
  7. Apply Band-Aids to arm.
  8. Hook jug of vodka onto end of hanger chain and lift through hole.
  9. Apply Band-Aids to torso.
  10. If you can do so without dropping vodka, pull cat out of insulation.
  11. Apply Band-Aids to face.

Just imagine the luxury of knowing you never, ever have to go downstairs again! Until you run out of vodka and/or blood! And/or both!

Happy fishing!

Tomorrow: DIY ER!!!

This is day  of the “Race to Cure Crankiness” post-a-day challenge. I have earned  $3.35  toward a facelift & bottle of whiskey.


2 comments on “The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Home Improvement Day!

  1. lisa says:

    these have helped me so much with my own race to cure crankiness, Ellen.

    The jellyfishes are wonderful ( and now forever synced with cannoli ).

    I like this new, journalistic reporter angle, you out in the field. It’s good to go with you .

    I am excited to see what’s next. Some sort of workout involving assault rifles? why not work out while we’re getting un-cranky? what about a craft project? build your own Deepak Chopra piata! or Gwyneth Paltrow dartboard . either.

    Next time you run out of pharmaceuticals give me a ring. I keep a tapas bar of assorted stuff individually zip-locked and marked in my fridge .and scarf drawer, and umbrella stand, and securely sewed into Mighty’s dog bed. why take chances!

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