For some people there’s nothing sweeter than the sound of high-pitched plastic noisemakers blasting through what’s left of the brain’s impulse-control center. However, through trial and error, followed by a sentencing hearing, I have discovered that the only truly reliable way to get through New Year’s Eve is to convince yourself it never happened.
This is easily accomplished by mixing up a kettle of pharmaceutical-grade Not-Nog and taking a brisk swim out to the fireworks barge with a crème brulee torch, but for those of you who prefer to stay on the less costly side of the law, I have devised several easy methods to help you forget you ever existed, only a few of which require protective clothing. Here’s one that’s a cinch to pull off with just a little concentration and extremely poor housekeeping skills.
Lucky New Year’s Blackout Peas
One medium-sized baggie of freezer burn
Something that might have been apple cider at one time
Little white pills from under the sofa
“Ham” bone (optional, depending on how fast that shrieking baby next door can crawl)
- Place ingredients on counter and sob.
- Setting aside several pills for garnish and unwelcome moments of lucidity, crush the rest into a fine powder using fist or, if available, face.
- Lick powder off walls while thinking about the New Year’s Eve you spent on the windowsill talking to that friendly 911 guy. Totally should have got his number.
- Empty cider, bone(s), and contents of baggie into pot.
- On second thought, throw away the whole thing. Better make it snappy.
- Eat garnish.
I guarantee you’ll wake up in the morning, maybe by as soon as next week, raring to go and ready to detox while you wait for the liquor store to open at 9:30. And guess what? I have a feeling that 20…. uh….. well, why not just start over with zero!…. is going to be the best year you never had.
Tomorrow: As if!