The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Sunday

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Who doesn’t look forward to Sunday? Indeed, Sunday is the perfect day to reflect on your pointless existence and brace yourself for the week ahead, if you’re planning to have one. It’s time to emerge from the weekend’s self-enforced cocoon of humiliation and climb back up on that barstool now that the normal people have gone home to their “laundry” and “bathing” and so forth in preparation for the baffling income-producing activities they’re always urging you to try. As if!

Sunday may be the day of rest, but as we know, resting your liver is only going to wake your brain back up… so really, what’s the point? Instead I like to think of Sunday as a day to wash away the sins of the world—fun-style!—by rooting out the week’s half-empty glasses from their hidey-holes to see if there’s enough liquor left in them to get through the rest of the damn day.

This may sound like an onerous task, but remember, even little baby Jesus had to hunt for chocolate eggs on his birthday to feed all those lepers. If he could turn water into wine, surely we can turn stale wine into a whole lot of stale wine! Let’s give it a whirl!!

It pays to have a plan, so here’s ours. We’re going to start at one end of the house—that spot where you’re sobbing right now under the couch is perfect!—and move methodically through each room pouring the contents of this morning’s long-forgotten drinks into a bucket, or maybe into that big metal goblet you wrenched away from the priest that time he so rudely refused to fill your flask with his precious “sacrament.”

With a little concerted effort and minor lacerations, you will soon no doubt accumulate a decent amount and variety of alcohol. It’s bound to be 10 a.m. somewhere—possibly right here!—so it’s high time for a tasty beverage. Since that’s not in the cards, let’s make our big bucket of dregs a little less nauseating by adding just a few extra ingredients and using some kind of electrical mixer to stir it all up. Ready?

Sunday Slopbucket Swizzle

Ingredients:

All the liquor you can find
Some other stuff… raisins, maybe?

Directions:

  1. Plug mixer into the wall where it won’t go flying off into someone’s face again. (Sorry, honey! Mommy promises those teeth will grow back super soon!)
  2. Pour ingredient #1 into mixer.
  3. Pour ingredient #2 into mixer.
  4. Push buttons on mixer and see what happens.
  5. Garnish with cat toy that was stuck to bottom of bucket.
  6. Try not to think about it a whole lot, and enjoy!

If you follow this recipe, I’m sure you’ll find Sunday a whole lot more bearable. And just think, recycling those used beverages is already helping to save the earth! Someday Jesus will thank you, or at least stop yelling at you when you back over his teensy-weensy prodigal lambs on your way to the liquor store. Someone should really put a bell on those things.

Tomorrow: Reply hazy, try again

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3 comments on “The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Sunday

  1. sharon snider says:

    weak bladder…can’t breathe…can’t take anymore. make it stooooooooop!

  2. VERY much enjoying your blog, laughing out loud in fact, on the Sunday after you wrote it. How about a book around your blog (A Drinking Love Story, not Drinking, A Love Story). Kind of like “The Drinking Girl’s Guide to the Galaxy!” What do you think? I know a good agent and you can pay her with wimpy light beers!

    • love means never having to say “should we open another bottle?”. my imaginary boyfriend ALWAYS has my chardonnay chilled just the way I like it. and that pretty much sums up the whole love thing, in my experience. in short, let’s talk.

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