The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Saturday

Ah, Saturday. Don’t you wish you could just grab it and bottle it like a rare perfume? And then throw it over a bridge and watch it sink to the bottom of the ocean, like that time on the Staten Island Ferry when that lady asked you to hold her baby and… well, never mind.

My point is that Saturday only comes once a year, so let’s celebrate by doing something we’ve never done before, no matter how many times they tell us otherwise at the stationhouse.

Here’s the catch: “doing” something may involve going out in public. Beforehand, ask yourself a couple of questions that may help you avoid the aggravation I went through last week when I went to the store and gave everyone that Ebola scare.

  1. How long has it been since you showered? Hint: Look for seasonal cues. Can you smell spoiled eggnog? Are the baby squirrels in your hair still nursing? How many “I voted” stickers are on your face?
  2. Are you wearing clothes? Give yourself one point for the following: underalls, muu-muu, bra (women), adult diaper. Take away one point for these: sleep mask, bra (men), anything involving toilet paper.

Okay, let’s do it!! Grocery stores usually have big parking lots with wide margins of error, making them a good place to start. And finish!

Our first step is navigating the automatic door. If it doesn’t open for you, don’t be discouraged! It’s possible that the manager saw you coming and ordered a lockdown again. My advice? Wait it out. He usually gives up once the ACLU steps in and the meat starts to rot.

Having obtained legal ingress, see if you can blend in with the other shoppers. One way to do this is by buying something other than liquor. This is actually easier than it sounds. I use a method I like to think of as a “liquor lasagna.” Want to give it a try??

Homemade Lasagna Liquoroni




  1. Line the bottom of your shopping cart with box wine.
  2. Sprinkle with parsley.
  3. Top parsley with a layer of box wine.
  4. Garnish with more parsley.
  5. Crown with a final box of wine. Well, there’s nothing wrong with buying one measly box while you’re out shopping for parsley, is there?

Serves one.

Wow, that was FUNtastic! Now, for a special weekend treat, and because you had to give your car keys to the security guard, why not throw a “tailgate” in the parking lot? It’s a great way to finally get to know all the neighbors you’ve been waving at on the witness stand all these years.

Party on!

Tomorrow: No, thanks


3 comments on “The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Saturday

  1. nickelsteak says:

    You got a kitchen fuckup story by any chance? I just get the feeling that you might…
    This magazine I run is called Nickel Steak (, and we have a section called Kitchen @#$%ups that could use something from a strong voice like yours. If you would like to submit, please feel free to email me directly at

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