Did you know that you can make a satisfying meal using only “found” ingredients? No, silly, I don’t mean stuff from your neighbor’s garbage can! Not since the restraining order. I mean things lying around right under your nose in your own roommate’s cupboard.
Last night, for example, I was recovering from a very difficult day that involved a lot of yelling and broken glass. (By the way, if a car is veering toward you, do not try to alert the driver by waving your arms in the air. It just makes me want to hit you even more.) As you can imagine, by the time I got home the last thing I wanted to think about was turning off the stove!
The good news is that with just a few simple tools lying around in your neighbor’s house—like the ones you use to shut off their motion detector—you can make almost any type of liquor look like it’s been barely touched, if ever!
Here’s an idea to get you started.
Your roommate’s whisky
Your roommate’s funnel
Your neighbor’s garden hose
Your neighbor’s rubber gloves
Your roommate’s sponge
Your roommate’s bath towels
Your neighbor’s mop
- Eyeball the amount of whisky in the bottle. Warning: do not actually put your eyeball in the whisky!
- Pour enough into your glass to make it worth your while. Leave enough inside so the bottle still smells vaguely of alcohol. No cork sucking!
- Here comes the tricky part. Using the garden hose and funnel, slowly pour water into the bottle until it reaches the original level of the whisky.
- Uh-oh. You didn’t do it slowly enough, did you?
- Where did your fucking roommate put the fucking dish towels???
- Well, if she’s going to use all the dish towels and then hide them from you, it’s her own damn fault that you had to use her clean laundry to wipe up the whisky water and glass shards.
- Crap. That’s not blood again, is it? Tell me it’s not blood.
- Mop time! See how planning ahead pays off?
- Well, it looked like a mop in that dark garage. But now that it’s moving, it seems a little more like a dog or possum or something.
- Definitely some kind of dog.
- Where’d that whisky go?
- Found the dish towels!
As you can see, sustaining oneself through foraging is no easy task. That’s why our forefathers, the pioneers and cannibals and whatnot, went to bed so early and got up so late. Also, they were trying to avoid their roommate… at least until she gets that temper under control.
Well, as they say in France, bunny petite!
Tomorrow: Periods of hell followed by the likelihood of more hell