The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Thursday

Thursday has come and gone and here it is, Thursday again. This is the sort of thing that makes a person all philosophical about how fleeting our time on earth is, and how today might be recycling day, and how the hell all those empty bottles are going to get to the curb. When my mind turns to unpleasant thoughts such as these, I usually lie in bed with my eyes closed until I have no idea what I was thinking about. This is an ancient practice called zen, the Japanese word for sleeping.

This time, however, I have decided that it’s time to do something about the mounds of trash that are preventing me from getting to my car and going to the liquor store.

If you’re in the same boat, here are some important tips that even the nice garbage men who always stop for you when you run after them in your nightgown with a sack of plastic take-out containers may not know:

  1. If your neighbors see you dragging bins full of liquor bottles to the curb week after week, smile and wave at them as if it’s normal. Maybe they’ll think you have a lot of parties or something.
  2. If, on the other hand, your neighbors don’t see you, put some of your empty bottles in their bins. Then take a look at your own pile. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how little you’ve had to drink this week!

What I have discovered through the important act of recycling is that with just a little bit of effort, one can exhaust oneself completely. Before going back to bed, why not celebrate with a tasty snack? Here’s one I think you’ll like.

Midmorning-Nap Tea

Ingredients: Gin

Directions:

  1. Search your house for a glass or other receptacle. Warning: crawling under the furniture is a concussion waiting to happen.
  2. Find your “Today Is the Last Day of the Rest of Your Life” coffee mug in the laundry basket, along with your phone. How on earth did that get in there??
  3. Did you forget what you were doing? Go back to step 1.
  4. Fill mug with gin. While you’re at it, make some phone calls just for the hell of it. Calling your ex’s new girlfriend with some helpful information is a good start.

Whew! This was a busy day. Might as well scratch tomorrow off the list.

Tomorrow: The day after tomorrow

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