The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Tuesday

Well, another day has reared its ugly head, and there’s almost nothing you can do about it. So like it says in the Chinese fortune cookie, When the going gets tough, you might as well go back to bed…. in bed!

Tuesday

Tuesday is what happens while you’re busy making other plans or, for some of us, figuring out whether it’s still Monday. What people mean by this is that we sometimes let Tuesday pass us by, especially if we sleep for all but five hours of it. But really, isn’t five hours enough Tuesday for anybody?

Because Tuesday is so short, it’s important to be prepared. First, make sure in advance that you have a full box of wine in the house, because the last thing you want is to use up precious energy getting dressed and going to the store, and the second-to-last thing you want is to go to the store in your nightgown. Trust me on this.

Since going to the store is out, you’re going to have to be especially creative about Tuesday night’s dinner. Hmm… maybe you have something in your cupboard, like tuna. Well if so, you certainly don’t need any cooking advice from me, Miss Fancy Pants!

Ok, so there’s nothing in the cupboard. Have you tried the liquor cabinet? Look! There’s half a jar of maraschino cherries! And some olives! Can you guess which exotic country we’re going to pretend to be in tonight? Wrong!!

Swedish Smörgasbörd Söurs

A “sour” is a term used to describe a drink made with lemon or lime juice. It’s also used to describe the old, disgusting wine in the opened bottles that have been in the back of your liquor cabinet for so long that you forgot about them completely. And because you didn’t listen to me and get a new box of wine, this is what you’re going to have to drink tonight, just like in Sweden.

But here’s the trick! In Sweden, they turn their old, disgusting wine into glög or grög or something by heating it up and putting extra stuff in it to kill the taste, such as maraschino cherry juice. See where I’m going with this?

Ingredients:

Old, disgusting wine
Maraschino cherry juice plus cherries
Olives
Toothpicks (optional)

Directions:

  1. Empty most of the wine into your glass and put the rest in a pot.
  2. Add maraschino cherry juice to the pot and turn on the stove. Warning: if anything in your house is alive, tell it to get out of the way!
  3. Put the maraschino cherries and olives on a plate. They will probably try to get away, in which case stick toothpicks in them. Did your eye accidentally land on a toothpick? Ouch!
  4. Tired? Put your head down on the counter for a little while.
  5. The pot is burning! Thank goodness you took the batteries out of your fire alarm, or it might have gone off and woken you up.

Well, that was fun and delicious, and the firemen were only a little bit angry this time. They must be new! Enjoy the rest of your evening in bed… in bed!

Tomorrow: Wednesday???

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