The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Monday

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Realizing that you’re going to die alone doesn’t mean you should miss out on the pleasures of fine dining while you’re waiting. And what would dining be without drinking? It would be like eating at Friendly’s. No fucking way!

To help you save your energy for more important things, like figuring out where you dropped that last xanax, we’ve created a week’s worth of “dinner” recipes that not only coat your stomach but can be made entirely from ingredients available at the liquor store, assuming they sell peanuts or something. And remember, when life gives you lemons, put them in that drawer with all the stale wheat germ, cause who knows? Someone might come over someday to have dinner and spend a lovely evening with you… just kidding! Bon aperitif!

Monday

The long, depressing weekend is done, and what’s even more depressing is that now you have no excuse to drown your sorrows thinking about how everyone else has an exciting social life full of after-work get-togethers and Sunday brunch invitations and yours is crap. Well, you know what? Not having an excuse can be your excuse! So grab hold of the kitchen counter, if it’s moving, and let’s start the week in high Alpine style with a visit to the sunny shores of Switzerland!

Swiss Whatevertinis

Ingredients:

Something in a plastic carton.
Swiss cheese.
Mustard, cause why the hell not?
Scotch. So? What do people drink in Switzerland anyway? Probably nothing.

Directions:

  1. Pour two glasses of scotch in case one of them gets lost.
  2. Drink scotch.
  3. Dig off the dried-up part of the cheese with your fingernails. Eat that while you figure out what to do with everything else.
  4. Smell the stuff in the carton. Did you gag? If not, put it in the microwave. While you’re at it, put the rest of the cheese in too.
  5. Drink scotch.
  6. Take the food out of the microwave. Is it hot? It doesn’t matter, cause now you’re feeling kind of queasy.
  7. Drink scotch.
  8. Oops, you forgot the mustard. Well, fuck it.

It’s 5:30! That’s late enough to go to bed, right? Bring the rest of the scotch upstairs with you. Be careful not to fall and spill your scotch! Guess what? Monday’s over! Thank the fucking lord.

Tomorrow: Tuesday, dammit

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3 comments on “The Drinking Girl’s Guide to Hell: Monday

  1. Kiah Coble says:

    Well, Tuesday??

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