Fun Facts From My Evacuation Vacation!

Meat shelf, Somewhere-the-Fuck, Missouri

Guy dressed like a banana, 40,000 feet

Guy dressed like a banana, 40,000 feet

Touring the parts of the country that most people only dream about (in those really scary flying-monkey dreams) can be extremely enlightening if you’ve got a whole lot of time to kill and have basically given up on life. Here are some things I learned on my recent trip to Missouri, Kansas, Illinois and other towns, or whatever, that my plane landed in and got stuck at.

1. Bars in Chicago Midway airport sell alcoholic beverages to go. This means you can drink your martini through a straw while peeing in an airport bathroom. A new first!

2. If you go to the hotel lobby in your bathrobe during a tornado, there is a little part of you that will always regret it.

3. Kansas City is all about meat. If you’re a cow, go there with the expectation that you will be eaten.

4. The state rest area on I-93 in Manchester, NH, has a liquor store! Regrettably, it is closed on holidays. But you can still buy lottery tickets at the tourist information desk.

5. Savannah pralines are one of those things that you hate and then love and then hate again, which is a bad basis for a relationship.

But don’t take my word for it! See for yourself. You never know when you might happen upon two Chuck E. Cheeses across the highway from each other, or a guy dressed like a banana, or a hill. Safe travels!!

Creepy dolls, 200 miles and 50 years from the nearest Starbucks

Creepy dolls, 200 miles from the nearest Starbucks

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